I went out and sold my favorite hunting rifle so I could buy her a new phone. If you know me, you know that I enjoy firearms a lot. I was very sad to see it go but kind of happy that I was going to be able to buy her something she really wanted.
The day went better than the previous days but she still made it very clear that she does not love me but she is working on it. What does that mean !!!! When I heard that it was like someone kicked me in the gut. Be patient. Be kind. Do not say anything negative. Later that evening while working on the computer I saw that the guy she had messed around with before we moved had been trying to contact her. I am scared that maybe she is not telling me the truth and my mind is racing wondering what is going on. Who initiated it this time. I am hurt and angry again. Be patient. Be kind. Do not say anything negative. I prayed really hard and I am really trying to apply the "Let go and Let God" take over.
I asked her if she would allow me to hold her and she did. We talked a bit before we went to bed and I asked her what things I do that irritate her. She said I don't do anything to irritate her and that that was not the reason she was feeling the way she did. She said it was my constant nagging, putting her down and not making her feel important. She divulged that the reason she wanted to mess around with the other guy was because he made her feel important and special and when she would come home I would make her feel like crap. She said who in their right mind wants to come home to that. I felt really ashamed of how I belittled all her efforts and accomplishments. I don't want to be one of those guys.
I told her that I loved her and that she didn't have to say it back if she didn't want to. She responded back by saying that I've been doing all these nice things because she was upset but what was I going to do when she wasn't. She made it seem like she has no faith in me that I can change for the better. I can see that she has no confidence in me anymore.
I find myself wondering if she is right. What happens when the 40 days are over.
Speaking from experience, once trust is broken, it's hard to regain. It is completely normal for your mind to be racing at the thought of her possible communication with another man, and only when you go a very extended period of time without finding anything will you have some peace.
Hang in there with your dares, just as it takes a while for habits to be formed, it also takes a while for her perception of you to change.
Leslie Holmes
Community Builder