Day 8 Forum: Love is not Jealous

Dare 8

Jaime — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 14:55:06 GMT

Since I am scared of fire, even lighting a candle lol I ripped up the negatives list in tiny little pieces and flushed it down the toilet LOL so I did get rid of it :)

As for the dare I was trying to think ALL day what I could say good job on to my husband but because he hasn't really talked to me the last few weeks other then about the baby I wasn't sure of anything going on with him. I was really stumped. Than I remembered my sister saying she saw him out running the other night. So I decided I would mention this to him since he always wanted to go for runs but I never wanted him to or would say "yeah right" as in he wouldn't ever go etc. So when he was over I asked if he had started running and he said why? and I said just wondering my sister said she saw you out running, and I said that was good for him, and he asked where she saw him and I said she hadn't told me (I knew but I didn't say that)... I told him good job again.

THEN at the end of the night I think I may have had a little break through? I don't want to get all excited and my hopes up and everything but to me it is HUGE. Since he left 3 weeks ago tomorrow, everytime he would come over he wouldn't come near me, basically as though I had some horrible contagious disease. He wouldn't sit on the sofa if I was on it, or sit on the same side of the diningroom table etc, and at the beginning of all this whenever I would try and hug him he would back off or tell me no and push me away etc. We hadn't had a brush of the hand or anything. Then tonight when he was putting on his shoes and leaving I was DYING to hug him or have some contact with him since I haven't had ANY in almost 3 weeks, so I went in for the kill & hugged him. To my surprise he didn't push me away or say what are you doing or anything, he actually hugged me back! We hugged for probably a minute, and it was a tight close hug, not a sloppy hug. Than he broke the hug lose and I had tears in my eyes just from having touched him, and he asked what was wrong and I said nothing! I just wanted a hug, and he said I gave you one, and I said I know! Than we said goodbye and he left. I really wanted to kiss him too but I did not want to push it or get rejected. I was terrified enough as it was to even try to hug him. Is this a good thing? Considering he wouldn't come near me before? Or do you think he may just be being nice since we agreed to be civil. But to me civil doesn't have to involve hugs right... He could have not hugged me back but he did. I am on cloud 9 right now. I am not going to try hugging him again when he comes tomorrow I don't want to push it.. Just little baby steps.. if that is even what this is! :) Anyways off to pray and go to sleep! I am starting to believe that doing exactly as what the dares ask and just being cool and calm with no crying breakdowns is starting to work... Even if it is slowly!!

Day 8 - Round III 8/16/10

Seeker108 — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 20:18:58 GMT

I don't remember much about today. I remember waking up and being skeptical about her statements yesterday. I remember not wanting to put too much hope into them because I don't want to continue this roller coaster ride I'm on. Emotionally it is driving me insane. So I sought to maintain a base line as best I could.

I prayed this morning a prayer which was disjointed at best. As the divorce moves closer and closer to reality I am apprehensive about how to handle the discussions we are having. We are putting together all these documents. She seems intent on them but doesn't push all that hard. She has a vague idea of when she wants to get stuff done but is not harping on me each day about it. I don't know if I'm reading too far into this but it seems like she is not as hell bent on getting it done as she had been. But at the same time she has not stopped the process. So the process continues.

These discussions are difficult for me to have. I get frustrated at the end of them and I don't like having them. But as this process moves closer and closer there are things I need to do. I need to complete the documents. I need to have the discussions I don't want to have and position myself in the best position for the future of me and the kids if this is to be end game. To that end I don't know what to do.

So I prayed on it. I asked God to direct me as this process goes on and to show me the best way to handle my divorce. This was a distinct shift from my prayers of before. My prayers of before have traditionally centered on the possibility of working this out. On saving my marriage. On giving me strength and patience through this process, but with the end in mind of reconciliation and saving my marriage. This is the first time I have prayed with the end in mind of my marriage actually ending at the end of September. I wasn't upset about this. I wasn't sad or anything. It came to me in a very direct manner. Please God, show me how to do this.

I remember one of the sermons I heard where the pastor said God never said he'd save your marriage, but he will be there with you in the courtroom and through the process. I guess me praying for that is also me shifting my attention from an end result with regards to my marriage and more of an overall dependence on God. A step of bringing him into all the parts of my life, regardless of their outcome.

It was the kids' last day of summer so we went and did a bunch of stuff. Sent her pictures of the day and told her what we were doing. Invited her along though the invites were declined but then again she was working. I had a great day with the kids. We had a lot of fun and it was a great time. I was present with them and I didn't worry about her. I have seen them changing with me as I have changed. The time and attention I have given them and the energy I am putting into them has helped them grow. I like my relationship with them. There is a part of me that is concerned that if K and I don't divorce, my attention and energy will be expended on trying to cope with her as it has been for so long.

There is a bigger part of me that is wondering if this ending is not a bad thing for us and the kids. I know what the bible says and what God has lead me to work on through this process. But as I get further from it, yet closer to it, I have this strong sense that things will be okay if this is end game. I have this strong sense of no longer worrying so much about her, about her decisions. I don't think that much about the fact that Scott is coming out here over Labor day. I figure that is her choice, and again, its in God's hands. If that is her choice, to be with him when he is out here then, in a sense that answers a lot of questions for me. But I"m not freaking out about it as I had been.

I don't know if I am accepting the reality of my situation or if I'm actually getting to a point where I'm consistently relying on God as my rock and in his ability to handle this. I don't know. I know that when I think about these things I give them up to God. And I take comfort in that. So maybe that is what it is.

One of the other sermons I listened to was talking about questions to ask yourself when you are trying to make a wise decision. There were three. Based on my past, what is the wise decision? Based on my present situation, what is the wise thing to do? and based on the future I want, what is the wise thing to do?

I have begun filtering my decisions through these questions and I'm a bit afraid of the answers. The biggest answer I have encountered is trust in God. Which I think I'm getting better at. But when I filter issues with my marriage and holding onto this through them, the answer is to let go. The answer is that as we were and as we are we are not a good couple. And I don't know if there can be a good future for us. I've told her this before but if we are to make it and we are to make this work, the future we would have would not be one the two of us put together, but rather one God orchestrates.

So I guess I come full circle and maintain my position of letting go, giving this to God and Trusting him to handle it. I wonder if my peace of mind I have had recently has come from that. Whatever it is I like it.

I still would like to see this work out. I don't want to lose my marriage. But I also know things will be fine if I'm keeping God at the center of my life.

As for today's Dare, I sent her a text after she left from stopping by while the kids and I were having dinner and reiterated how proud I was of the work she has done at work and how hard she has worked. I also told her she looked very good tonight, which she did. She responded by asking why I saved all my compliments for when we were no longer together. I told her we were together until we are not and I was not going to squander a single opportunity to do the right thing. She didn't respond but I didn't mind. I said what I said, I prayed for both of us to hear God's voice in our lives and I watched a movie with the kids before heading to bed for school tomorrow.

God is good. I can trust him.

Day 48 - He deeply longs for us

James — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 04:54:28 GMT

" ... desiring for us to keep Him as our first love. He doesn't want us to let anything take precedence over Him in our hearts". I've had most trouble in this journey, unknowingly putting my wife first, then God. It makes sense doesn't it - to love your wife and put her first, isn't that what He wants me to do? I learned through this journey that He is even jealous (the legitimate kind that's based upon love) when I worship my wife, constantly thinking of ways I can bring her back and how I can do that. That's the illegitimate jealousy that is rooted in selfishness. It is not until I stopped putting her first, then I was able to get closer to Him. And slowly she started responding, not to my actions per se but to how Christ has been working in this journey. I still get confused at times distinguishing between showing love to her on my own or am I showing unconditional love to her enabled by God. I'm awaiting more lessons so I can become better at this.

Day 8 7/9/2010 is this going to be possible?

mblossergj — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 14:17:55 GMT

Day 8 - Today I burnt all the negative traits that came to mind about Jess that I wrote down on that paper. There really weren’t that many when I thought about, I never should have been so upset like I was. It was just silly things that I just got to upset about. I know that if I let those things ago, I will be a happier person and make our relationship so much better. I also told her today that it is my turn to step up to the plate and be a man and I admitted that I was the one that messed things up and it’s my turn to fix them and I told her that I love her. I also told her that I was proud of her for getting more hours at Old Navy, I know that she works harder than any other person that I know and she deserves to have as many hours as she needs. I am proud of her.

Day 8 completed with day 9

justj71 — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 17:35:58 GMT

Day 8 was the 4th of July so it was a bit difficult to complete the task as we were not together, that in itself was new the first holiday apart, i did burn the negative list that felt good.

I can maybe see a bit of change in her attitude as she was upset about the fact that our son and daughter both chose to come to where we usually go as a family to spend the holiday as opposed to choosing to go to a new place with her. I tried to keep the peace as much as possible between her and our son as she was not happy with him. I supported her feelings w/o getting too involved or making my self a saint.

Today i was able to complete day 8 and it is acutually day 9, today i congratulated her on her promotion a while back for work and commented on the work that she has been doing and her being deserving of the opportunity to use her talents, she was surprised but thanked me just the same. I did have one moment of surprise hope last night during the 4th festivities i texted her and said that I loved and wished she was with us...she responded "really" that may not seem like much but i know it meant she was thinking...i see it as progress, no matter how small.

Wow, did day 7 right, but only did day 8 half

mirjam — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 19:40:08 GMT

Well, as I told you yesterday I was going to redo the dare for day 7, because I chickened out yesterday. I didn't get to speak to my husband on the phone tonight, my children had already hung up. I make it a point to contact him as little as possible through phone, cause he doesn't seem to like it.

So I decided to sent him a text:

Hi love,

There is something I've been meaning to thank you for for a long time, but I haven't had the courage for it jet. Well here it is: I would like to thank you from the bottom of my hart that you were always there for me and that you always were my best friend.

Lots of love Mir

Well that's the text, not expecting a response. Did pray to God to help me guide my hand in writing it and that the text would come to an open hart.

As for today's dare, I did the first part, which was actually easy, because I wanted to loose the negatives for a long time now. The hard part is staying out of the negative room, or only entering to write covered with love on the walls.

As for the jealousy, well I know I suffered from that, but worse I made him suffer because I was jealous sometimes. I was jealous of him going out every day to work, while I stayed home (for the kids and with love) and didn't get to talk to people on my own level. But you know I did that myself, telling myself that was the way it was supposed to be and not engaging in any contact with other adults other than a conversation on schoolgrounds while waiting for the kids.

Not working was my own choice to, because I was to insecure and always made excuses not to work because of that. He supported me for a long time, until last year, then he his hart wasn't in it anymore.

I would let him go to parties, when we didn't have a babysitter even do he told me I should go, and then I would resent him for not saying thank you or well if you're not going I won't either. And you see I thought I did that because I loved him and he worked so hard so he deserved it, but it wasn't whole hearted. It was all out of selfishness, because I just wanted his thanks or wanted to know I was important to him.

As for the last part of the dare, I couldn't think of an accomplishment or success he has had lately, because I just don't know very much about his live of the last three, four months. Not because I'm not interested, but because he has shut me out of all that.

I'll keep my eyes and ears open though, in time I'll find an accomplishment or succes I can say I'm happy for him to have achieved.

On to day nine, can't waith to see what I'll be thought tommorow.

Bye, Bye

Mirjam

P.S.: My daughter wrote a poem, which I find very beautifull. I won't to share it, but I'll have to translate it from Dutch, seeing as we live in the Netherlands, and it will loose a bit of it's rythm and not rime so much:

Living without love

Is living with sadness

Living without love

Isn't living at all

Living without love

Is living without God

And I can't do that

Day 8 - Perhaps I was jealous

James — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 04:34:45 GMT

For today's dare, I burned the negative list over the sink. My parents saw me and thought I was into some cult rituals :p It was harder to destroy this list then I thought. I found myself reading it over a few times before burning it. A part of me wanted to remember what those hurts were. I think I'm at peace again after seeing the sheet burnt off slowly.

I also sent her the "Day 8" email highlighting key points in the chapter and added in my own thoughts at the end. I sincerely congratulated her on landing her dream job because she had worked so hard to get there. I also told her I was regretful in retrospect supporting that journey and what transpired as a result (that's where she met all the friends who "get" her), BUT I'm not now because I truly want her to be happy. Perhaps I wasn't totally supportive because of my own selfish thinking. I was putting my logical spin into it - why would anyone want to leave a high paid job, do years of schooling (unpaid), and then look for a dream job that is unlikely to exist. This jealousy is so subtle and stuffed in my subconscious mind that I literally tried to reason it out as being a non-issue (*I* provided all the financial support to get her there), even as I write this. I feel like God is ripping my heart out and bleach it so it can be cleansed.

Some interesting news - She actually replied to my Day 7 email saying thanks for doing the dares but repeated the breakup speech about our differences in connecting intellectually and emotionally, reiterating that this won't change regardless of whether I do more things for her. She said "It is time to move on". This stab look about 5 minutes (longer than normal these days) for me to recover and I quickly turned focus back to God. I find strength in Ephesians 6, I have full armor of God, shield of faith, helmet of salvation and sword of the Spirit. I ended up replying saying it's not about doing things for her, it's about running this race with God and letting Him change me. More interesting news - She mentioned she never felt not being "cherished" by me and the cherished part is from my Day 6 email so this means she's been reading them.

Either way, I'm focused on running the race with God. I met with our counselor tonight and she said I need to pray about remaining strong and not lose faith and trust God even if we end up in divorce. Her point is God also respects us and provides us free will, so He will also not force her to love me. She said at the end, I will become a better person in Christ through this journey. I need to pray for strength to face the decision day whenever that is. She has been seeing the counselor once a week (that is good I think). I pray that she will reconcile with Jesus, whether our relationship works out at the end or not.

Just found the forums... Day 8

themedicswife — Mon, 31 May 2010 22:07:17 GMT

My name is Tiffany and my husbands name is John. We have been married for 3 years, together for a total of 7. John and I both work in EMS, he as a paramedic and I as an EMT for the same company. John left me about 7 days ago and I have to admit it was very much my doing. I have been angry and upset for most of our marriage and have found very negative outlets to release this energy, mostly on John. I really did not know how bad it was until recently, when I got so upset I threw my rings and told John that I hated him. Well, this of course pushed John to the breaking point and he left me to go stay with some friends. At first we met the day after and he hugged me, told me he thought we could fix this and he came home. That night he said he felt smothered and awkward in our own home so he went to stay with friends. I started off very upset. Of course its never fun to lose someone and I texted and called him and everything. I was lost and so hurt. He met me for breakfast and told me he needed his space and that he would not be coming home. I had no choice but to go home alone and try to figure out how to go on with my life. I spent days crying my eyes out and not eating, throwing up and staying in bed. But I picked up the Love Dare which I have to admit is hard when he doesnt live at home or want to communicate. The very next day I started seeing an anger management councelor. The only thing I heard from him all day was one text message asking me, "how was the concelor?" I responded but did not say much as I need to give him his space. The next day he knew I was at work and came to the house while I wasn't there. The only thing he took was his xBox but he also took out the garbage. I have no idea why. The next day the only thing I heard from him was him asking me how a event had gone that I was a part of. That was the day I stopped texting him good morning and good night. Now we are at today. I had not heard from him at all yesterday and that hurt but I also did not reach out. Today we are both at work on the ambulances and we were at the hospital at the same time. I noticed he was not wearing his wedding ring. I approached him and asked him if that meant he was done... he said no and told me that he felt it would take time. The thing that hurt most was that when I asked him if he missed me he laughed and said he dosent miss the fighting. He told me he would leave all the money in the bank, he would take care of the house payment and when I mentioned perhaps going on a date so that he can see how Im trying he did not shoot me down. He told his partner that he was waiting for me to get angry... so I feel as if this is the biggest test of my life. For today's dare I was forced to email him and tell him how proud of him I am that he is doing what he loves to do and that he is good at it but... the wedding ring being off has really got me depressed and I am wondering if I should just let him go? I am not sure how to make him fall back in love with me if we do not communicate at all.... so lost.

A time out....Jealously.....round 2

Linda Wille Punzel — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 12:59:20 GMT

I have missed writing the past few days. I am thinking a lot about things going on in my life, where its going, what am I supposed to do...trying to grab the reins again..I have had to move my entire storage unit into my 2 bedroom apartment, whom I share with my son. I have emotions that are churning up so much in me that one minute has me smiling, laughing & the next crying, I begging for Gods help. I have felt a lot of anger come from deep within my heart, not only from my husband but from childhood & at myself. God has been so patient with me...I read in a book called " His Princess, letters from your King" that God is knocking at my door, never giving up for me to hear him, so he may bring the healing that only he can give me. I have to admit, in one of my bouts of crying, I cried out the God " please, do not stop loving me, please do not leave me, I need you so much, do not give up on me". With everything going on with my husband I realize I am still a frightened little girl, afraid that the one who is supposed to protect me will not. This is from my childhood, not from God, he has always been there for me & always will be. This is something I am working on.

My jealously has been high lately, for selfish reasons, broken dreams, lost love, lies, broken promises. The biggest thing is the fact that my husband has been making a lot of female friends. This breaks my heart, I am hurt with the fact that I am being replaced & I havent been given the chance to show I am a different person. I am jealous I havent been able to show him how my feelings for myself have changed , maybe I am trying to hard to find the answers again, I am not living in the moment. I am so worried about how to live & not be overwelmed by the events of life around me, picking up the broken pieces, fixing the bills & handling all the payments my self that I am jealous of the fact my husband is living a single life in Korea & I have been ecnored that my old habits are trying to regain control.

Right now I need to focus on Gods love for me. To remember that his love will never go away. He loves me & will stay by me, giving me the support to get thru anything all the while he will never leave my side, he will support me, hold me & be there no matter what this life brings. I will pray for Gods help with living in the moment, not the past or future, but the here and now.

I will close with saying, I love my husband so very much, he has not made any effort to accept my love, to show any concern about our love, our life or me at all. I hurt so much inside because of this. I am not sure if the hurt is because he has stopped loving me or if it because the only father who has ever been about to really love me & show it is God.

My mind is going in so many different directions, emotions running marathons in my head. I am thinking I need to get back with God & relax, I need to look around me on my journey instead of missing everything around me because I am to worried about where we are going & when we will get there.

Day 8: On Jealousy

Seeker108 — Mon, 24 May 2010 21:04:29 GMT

Morning Thoughts:

I am still upset about how quickly I came up with the list of negative attributes about K. I am also still aching about the idea of her affair, as more and more details begin to emerge. Even though I have prayed about it, my heart still aches.

But today's dare brought something into focus for me. When it was talking about legitimate jealousy, I realized two things. First how I am reacting about her affair is natural and okay. But her reaction about my affair 6 years ago was also okay. I told her she was crazy. In part because I was trying to deny the affair. But I told her that her reaction was based off of her insecurities. But the truth, her reaction was based off legitimate jealousy and hurt as much as what I'm feeling now. I belonged to her, even though at the time I resented that concept, but because I belonged to her, she wanted me back when I turned to someone else. I understand that now. She was not out to control, manipulate or kill the parts of my personality I thought were a deep ingrained part of me. I misunderstood her reaction, probably because I didn't understand love. I am finding so many of the tings I messed up during the last 12 years have been a result of of not know how to love her or what love is.

As I think about burning the list of negative attributes I feel compelled to write them down somewhere else. Part of me feels, if I do manage to pull this off and if I do learn to love K unconditionally I will become a doormat. I feel I need to keep that list to justify and rationalize my hurt. "She's having an affair. I can't burn that and let it go. I need to hold on to that." At least that is what my mind says. What my ego says. It certainly is not what God says. God says to burn it and focus on the appreciation room. The depreciation room will still be there in my mind, but there is no value in keeping the list to refer to later. If I can't remember what is in the depreciation room then it must not have been that important. It might mean I'm actually moving forward.

I now I will be congratulating K on her recent promotion and I think I'm will send some flowers to her new office when she starts there in June.

I know some of this comes down to to loving someone when there seems to be no reward and choosing to love someone even if they don't deserve it. I have long contemplated the concept of loving the unlovable, but putting it into practice has proven difficult. And its not that K is unlovable or doesn't deserve love. Its more that its just hard to love her right now. Its hard when every step along this Love Dare path is not returned, its hard to be patient in the face of feeling so alone and its hard because of the actions she is choosing to engage in with someone else. But I didn't deserved to be loved either for years and she still tried. I don't deserve to be loved by God but he still loves me and is showing me his love and mercy daily. If they have done that for me should I not return the effort for them?

Day 8: Sense of Peace-Dares are on Hold for 2wks

Stan — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 04:17:54 GMT

Today, I started out with my appointment with Dr. A. for my counseling appointment. I let her know my wife wouldn’t probably be coming back. She had said that prior to counseling no counselor is going to change my mind. Anyway the session went very well. She said I needed to continue doing what I’m doing. Staying focused on the kids, especially my son. She agreed my wife probably needs a taste of reality, and it probably will take her hitting rock bottom, but she doesn’t know when that will be. She doesn’t believe she is being very rational, but acting out of control. Well after the session I sat down and sent this letter to my wife:

I don't know what tomorrow will bring for us, but I do know this when you leave you will leave knowing you were loved and always will be loved by me. You have always been the apple of my eye from our first date to our first kiss. I'm sorry I could not bring you the happiness or love you desired, all I know is I have tried everything to show you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I'm sorry that wasn't enough for you. Maybe someday you will realize that the happiness and love you always desired was here all along or maybe not only time will tell. I just hope it's not to late when you finally realize it. My love for you is vast and you know it and like I said when you leave here you'll know you were loved by me.

Before she left for her friends house to spend the night, so they could head to Florida at 4 am. I took her out to dinner. During dinner I told her to have a good time, but while she was there think good and hard about the decision she is about to make. It is something that doesn’t just effect us, but everyone around us too. She said she plans to. I also told her at some point your heart and reality have to meet. She asked me what that is supposed to mean. I gave her a kiss and told her I loved her. By the way this is the newly divorced friend from the previous posts. But this was the first actual night I really felt a sense of peace. She is gone for a week and I will be heading home for my Grandfathers funeral. So I will start on Day 9 when I get back.

Day 8: Love is not Jealous

Stan — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 22:53:52 GMT

Yesterdays Dare: DAY 8: Love is not Jealous. Whoa! This is one of the three items my wife listed that irritated her or made her feel uncomfortable. In a lot of ways I have always been her biggest fan when it came to her photography and her cooking. She received 3rd place a the Texas State Fair last year for a July 4th Photograph and a Cranberry-Jalapeno Jam , which is her own recipe, and that was the first year she had ever entered anything. I was so proud of her but in some ways I think I may have smothered some of her thunder, by not being 110% supportive as I should have.

Anyway, the first thing I did when I returned home was burn my negative characteristics. I am going to do my best to stay out of the “Depreciation Room”. Yesterday my son had a Lacrosse game so while on our drive I was trying to start up a conversation with her, but she wasn’t that talkative. Finally, I just came out with it. I told her that I know I haven’t always showed it, but I am by far her biggest fan when it comes to her photography and her cooking. I told her how I’m always telling people about her photography and showing off her web site. I told her work was awesome. I really didn’t much response. So before the game we stopped for dinner and I brought up her award winning jam. I asked her if she still intended to participate and the same bazaars she did last year. I told her I really did have a good time helping her sell her jam; I told her it was a fun time. She said she didn’t really know what she going to do.

Well the entire time we were at the game we were talking a little bit more and I complimented her again on her action photography and reminded her that pretty much everyone who has seen her work loves them. In fact, I reminded her that the lady that had owned another photography company locally had closed up shop and was looking for someone to forward her clients to and she had asked me for her information. After that she began to open up and talk to me a little more. This was nice. It wasn’t as cold and we were laughing and communicating. She truly is a beautiful lady inside and out. But, I didn’t stop there. When we returned home she had opened up her website and was looking at some of her work. I walked into her office and sat next to her and said," you know I truly love your work, you are so talented. You give every person the same attention to detail when editing their photos no matter if they are a close friend or if they are a referral and that say something. I am really proud of how you took your hobby and turned it into the business it is today.”

Finally, we were lying in bed, kind of joking and talking, it was very nice. I brought up both of her businesses and also brought up her possibly going back to school as possibly a pastry chef. See one of her dreams she has had was to open a “Nostalgic Bakery”. I had asked her which she would like to do more. I again praised her on her cooking, but also said her photography is already established. She then made a good point. She said she still needed a lot of equipment. I told her if she was still serious about opening the bakery, I think it would work and I would be behind her in what she decided. She kind of took everything in and asked why now, and I told her I have for a while been looking how we could get the funding for her business and have been looking at some places she could set up shop. We continued to talk and just have good conversation between each other, it just felt right. We talked about, getting a new washing machine, the other night fixing up the back yard and also getting my son through high school. I don’t want to jinx myself, but just these little things gives me hope.

All I know, reading this Dare: Love is not Jealous really hit me. If anything I have learned is Jealousy is like a cancer. It will eat at you and fester inside you. I’m going to be honest; it’s not going to be easy by no means. I choose not to be jealous and I have chosen to love my wife. I hope I didn’t ramble on too much, it’s just this dare spoke to me load and clear, heck I think when I opened to it had neon lights blinking. Again I can’t thank you enough for all of the support and prayers. Thank you.

2nd Time Day 8

Otty_Beaner — Tue, 04 May 2010 13:47:34 GMT

5-3-10

Well today my wife closed on her new home that her and the kids will be living in so I congradulated her before and after she signed papers. She told me thanks. It hurts knowing this marriage is ending soon but I will leave it up to God for the outcome of my life. He has a plan for me so I will serve him while I wait. This house in only a mile down the road so God is not moving her far from me.

I prayed over the list before I burnt it. I prayed for God to get rid of the anger associated with it.

I spent the evening with one of my wife's friends and talked about how he dealt with his divorce. He and his wife has went through the same problems me and my wife have. I was really nice to talk to someone who has first hand knowledge and not just read it out of a book. He really helped me a lot last night. I am hoping to spend the day with him on Wednesday if our scheduals will allow it.

Today I pray to let go of this life and let God be the driver now.

LG squared= Let Go & Let God

Dare 8

Jason — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 22:08:06 GMT

Last night before I went to bed, I decided to do something I haven't done in a long time. I text her and said "good night and sweet dreams." I wasn't expecting a response, but she text me back "you too." That may not be much, but it's a positive in my book.I had just finished praying when she sent that text. It gave me hope and I thank God.

Now on to dare 8. I burned the negative list and it helped me to release those negatives that I held against her. I had a difficult time knowing how to show Court praise, because she won't tell me anything. I know that she is going to get her teaching certificate this summer, so I decided to tell her how proud I am of her. I also told her that the children that she will be teaching are lucky to have her as their teacher, because she is a caring person and really enjoys working with children. On to the next dare....

I was led by trust & faith

Linda Wille Punzel — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 14:43:32 GMT

I wrote yesterday I wasnt sure if I should call my husband. I prayed & slept on it. This morning I did call him. I hadnt even read the Day 8 dare yet, but I realized Matthew had mentioned something about an inspection that if he passed he would be put into the position he really wanted & would move him very close to his end result of joining the Army. So I called him, asked about the position, he has to wait so I sincerely let him know I know he will pass, I didnt offer anything about my life, he didnt ask. I mentioned how when he used to sing to me how special it made me feel & how I loved it so, no one ever made me feel so loved before. That was it. I didnt expect anything, I didnt get upset when he said nothing about it. I hung up feeling good. Its not about what "we get " out of these dares, its what " we give". I am learning so much about me as a person & being a child of God. It is wonderful to know that this journey is one that is never to late to start. I am also finding it helps to spend more time reading my bible, I am finding answers that I need so desperatly to grow. Its almost funny how yesterday I was crying because I felt so sad & confused, humbled by my shortcomings & today I feel renewed because I found the peace & comfort in Jesus loving arms & words.........Tomorrow?.....lol

Day 8: Rough

Crystal Rodgers — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 23:44:08 GMT

The beginning of Day 8 looked hopeful. I thought this day was going to be easy and I would have no problem doing it. I did not however take into account that I am a very jealous person. I am not jealous of what others have but when it comes to my husband I find that I am often jealous of the people around him because they seem to draw his attention away very easily. This is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. I have very low self-esteem and I am always thinking that he will find someone better or he could do much better. So today was not as easy as I thought it would be. It doesnt help matters that part of our problem at the moment is that my husband has taken to talking to two different women on the internet,,,one of which I personally know and the other I dont. In the past month, he has flirted with this one girl in particular that I know and he has been doing it right in front of me. I have never trusted this girl because I have seen the way she acts around my husband and her behavior is unacceptable. I have always been nice to this particular woman because she is my sister-in-laws little sister. I even apologized to her a few weeks ago because I was rude to her after my husband had been flirting with her right in front of me. So jealousy is a major issue with me. Today was supposed to be a good day though. We were having my daughters 6th birthday party and when our whole family gets together we always have a good time. Right around the time the party started this girl shows up with her sister and it really got under my skin. I had not invited her and after recent events did not really care to have her in my house. I did not say anything negative to her though. I just said hi and asked her if she wanted some cake or something to drink and left it at that. I didnt make any rude comments and tried not to be rude to her in any way and my husband pretty much stayed away from her because I had told him how much it had bothered me to watch him act that way around her. I tried my hardest today not to be jealous and I think I did an ok job of it. I wouldnt say I succeeded fully because I did have jealous thoughts today. But every time I had one of those thoughts I stopped for a minute and prayed to myself and got myself back on track. This morning I burned my list of negative things and it made me feel very good because I dont want to focus on the negative. I want to focus on the positive and help that list to grow. I also told my husband how proud of him I was for getting his tradesman plumbers license. He worked very hard and for a very long time to get this and he deserves it. I will continue to pray and drive the jealous thoughts I have away.

Back On track and steadfast

rbmedic75 — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 18:24:49 GMT

Day 8 well I burnt the negative list a couple minutes ago it was not a cleansing expierience for me but seeing the ashes blow away caught my attention for a minute so not sure yet. But onto the rest of the dare Jealousy wow this is going to be a struggle for me. She has never given me reason to be jealous of her or to doubt her faithfulness to our relationship but recently since things have been opend up and gotten this bad I find myself doubting everything she says or does if she leaves for work 10 mins earlier than normal or the way she carries her phone with her ALL the time now makes me very jealous and wondering. I have unfourtunatley brought it up a few times and she swares there is noone else and I want to believe her so much and in my heart I do believe her but its my mind that wont stop thinking those horrible thoughts. I am not jealous of her accomplishments as an RN at all I am very proud of that and it was actually one of the things I complmented her on from the list of posistives, that and being and awesome mother to our daughter, she responded well to that and said it meant a lot to hear them. But jealousy, this one is probably going to take a lot of prayer and but maybe that will in turn help me to keep on track with the dares better than I have been. I fond myself trying to get her to open up and talk with me about things that usually end up backfiring so I have to ease up on that. One of the negatives was her unability to communicate about issues, today will be a test and trial for me but I pray for help and guidance in fighting those dreaded thoughts. She really has never given me reason, I think that in my mind it makes it easier for me to believe that someone else is the reason she cannot find her way back to me. She is an extrememly beautiful and attractive person with so much temptation around her all the time and for 4 years she has never strayed. I will make it through this one but it will be a test of test. I am going to go build a set of steps on our front porch to stay busy whihc is something she has ask me to do for a while so it will be a 2 fold project keep me busy and something positive to do for her as well. Lots of time for silent praying while I work with my hands.

Day 8

Hanzibar — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 01:38:25 GMT

Day 8 was today. Burning the list was somewhat liberating. I've never thought of myself as jealous, but in retrospect I suppose I really am. Before I started the Love Dare I was jealous of what other couples seemingly had. The perfect relationship. Instead of working on our relationship, I just looked at all the negative aspects and picked our marriage apart. That was very wrong of me and I just have to put that into the past. It's time to move forward and learn from my mistakes.

My wife recently quit smoking so to show her how proud I was of her I got her a nice card and a new game she wanted. She and I are both avid gamers, and she was very excited to see the new Final Fantasy waiting for her. I was more excited to see her so happy.

I really want to see her like that every day.

Day 8 and the wedding ring is off......almost seems hopeless

Otty_Beaner — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 11:31:39 GMT

It was pretty easy to destroy the list as I want to forgive and forget all the bad things anyway. She has a new job at her work and it makes her feel very good to do something different for a change so that is what I congratulated her on this morning.

This is really starting to get hard for me to do cause I just noticed that she is no longer wearing her wedding ring anymore and seems to be doing things like tanning and exercise that I always told her it made her look sexy. I catch myself now starting to plan my future without her now as I see no good in what is coming. I keep praying that this negative thought will leave but it always seems to works it's way back in my head. She even stated that she prayed on how she could afford the house without me and said work gave her a raise they forgot about. She thinks this is a answered prayer from God. Maybe it is and I should just quit.......... My heart is being torn on which way to go right now.

This is really starting to get hard when all I see is no hope......

Day 8

Dan — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 01:53:24 GMT

This dare throw me for a loop. I never thought of myself as jealous, but after looking at myself I am. Burning the list was a good felling, and gives a confidence boost to my wife felt good too. She is talking about staying home more now. I think that things are starting to turn a little. Two soon to tell, but I’m committed to this marriage and want it to work. 11 years together would be a waste not to fight for.

Day 8 - jealousy

Elvira — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 13:51:41 GMT

So here I am working on day 8. I have discreetly burned the negative aspect of my husband and focused on the positive. It wasn't so hard to burn that piece of paper. I don't know so much that I am jealous but more insecure and fearful mostly about our relationship with each other and if he is just saying things because those are the words I want to hear. What I really need to do is stop checking on our marriage every few days as to where my husband's feelings are towards me. This could have a negative impact on our relationship. What I need to do is look at his actions. He is becoming a better communicator. He also gives me a few minutes each day to just talk with him in private. He has become more affectionate, even though it is me who usually starts. At least he doesn't push me away. He jokes with me more often. And he says is trying to learn to love me again. I am so thankful that he says he has never cheated on during the bad times of our marriage, even though it hurts me when he told me how many times his was almost ready to pack his bags and leave. But he never did.

I never realized how much damage I have caused in our relationship because of my self-centered attitude, my disrespect for him, and providing him with any love at all. I don't know how he ever endured all this.

Love Dare- Day 8 Feb 24

snap_41_98 — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 14:14:13 GMT

After my horrible behavior the night before I realized how much jealousy really played a part in what happened.

Proverbs 27:4 (New American Standard Bible)

⁴Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood,
But ^(A)who can stand before jealousy?

This all plays a part in believing the best about your spouse. If you let jealousy overshadow everything then how can you possibly let your spouses best interest be first. I admit I have a problem with all three of these things: wrath, anger and jealousy. I am praying very hard that the Lord would take these attributes out from me as I have let them rule my actions and dictate my behavior. I guess that comes back to taking up your cross daily and following Jesus.

I also realized that out of everyone I should be the one cheering her on the loudest and pushing her to do her best. Instead of tearing down her accomplishments and belittling her work. All that because I am insecure in my role as provider. NOT GOOD.

For the dare I went out and bought her a plaque telling her how proud me and the boys are of her. She seemed somewhat pleased. I am not very perceptive on finding out good things that occur in her life as she hardly ever wants to talk to me but I am hopeful that I can keep my eyes out for other things that she does that can be celebrated. Please pray that God will provide me with the ability to perceive things that she is proud of so I can celebrate it with her as well.

Things between us made a turn for the better last night as she initiated intimacy between us (it has been a while). I think she knows how hard I am trying and I am happy that she understands that. I also asked her to pray for me that God would take my insecurities away from me as I know that I alone can not do it but only by the grace of God.

My Day 8

John — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 17:34:52 GMT

"A loving husband doesn't mind his wife being better at something, having more fun, getting more applause. He sees her as completing him, not competing with him."

Destroying the negative list was easy. In fact it was somewhat cathartic. I've dwelt so long on the negative attributes of our relationship (she likes to be with her friends) that negativity has been all consuming. Almost to the point of anxiety or paranoia and certainly to the point where it has damaged (hopefull not irrepairably) our relationship.

Saturday night she was going out with old friends from work. I was supposed to go, but at the last minute was univited. "Spouses aren't invited" is what I was told. OK, let's apply today's dare. If I can truly love DW, I shouldn't mind that she is going out with friends. Shouldn't. Still did. Got to work on that. I decided to call a friend with kids about the same age as mine and go out together. Luckily my friend's wife siezed the opportunity to go out with DW while I was out with her hubby. That made me feel a little better. A little, not good, but better.

Turns out that there were spouses there, and after the main gathering, DW and her male friend, my friend's wife, and another fellow went out afterward. That hurt, but given what I've learned, I could not let it consume me. Why shouldn't my DW be able to have a platonic friendship with a guy friend. Maybe I'll explore that in a journal entry. The point is, I worked all day Sunday to not let it consume my every waking thought. For the most part I succeeded, although the fact that I barely slept Saturday and was literally the walking dead Sunday probably didn't make it seem that way.

Lessons are hard...