Day 18 - Love Seeks to Understand

TODAY’S DARE: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate. Having seen the movie, I knew this day was coming.  I didn't know when or whether or not I would be ready for it but, alas, it is here.  As of this morning, I had not heard back from T about my letter.  He did respond to a text regarding something else and I sucked it up and asked him to come over for dinner tomorrow night (he's working tonight).  He said he couldn't.  I asked when he would be available and he said he didn't know and then ask WHY I wanted to have him over.  I said "Just because".  "Honestly." was his reply.  Then he said, " I would love to be friends but right now I am in no place to discuss us or anything like that".  I told him we didn't have to talk about us.  Then he said, "I just want to make sure. ESP since the stuff at new years.".  I told him we didn't have to talk about anythign he didn't want to.  So, he is checking his schedule. This little conversation tells me that he had no intention of responding to my letter.  I can understand that he proabably does't exactly know what to do with it or how to respond.  The fact that he said "that he would love to be 'friends'" is a little discouraging for me.  I don't want to be just a friend.  I want my husband back.  I guess that I have to take it one step, one day at a time.  I guess friendship is a better place to start than not starting at all.  As far as understanding him better.  I know that I can do much better at that than I have in the past.  We have talked about his past, his personality in the past, but not really in depth and only one or two times.  Do I know what his hopes and dreams are in this point in his life?  No.  Do I understand how he prefers to give and receive love?  Not really.  Well kinda.  He has told me before that I show him I love him by trusting him and believing in him and by looking at him like I used to when we met.  While I ultimately DID trust that he would never cheat on me, I did not trust everything leading up to that.  That his boundries weren't tight enough to keep accidental emotional infidelity out.  But again, had I been able to give him what he needed, he wouldn't be seeking it elsewhere.  Had I believed in him, whatever he did, had I been able to look past his flaws and see my prince again, we would not be here today, separated and miserable. I pray for my husband.  I pray that God can help him heal himself. I pray that he will see the changes I am making in myself.  I pray that God will lead his heart back to where it belongs, at home with me. I pray for myself.  I pray that God will not only show me how to be a better wife, but will help me practice it daily.  I pray that I can stay positive and patient.  I pray that I can learn to accept him for his faults and love him unconditionally. one day at a time.  He loves me. I believe in our marriage.  love him unconditionally.