TODAY’S DARE: Whatever you haven’t forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to “forgive us our debts” each day, we must ask Him to help us “forgive our debtors” each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long. Say from your heart, “I choose to forgive.” Forgiveness, can I forgive T for the things he has done?  What does it mean to really forgive him?  First, I think I need to identify things that have held my heart hostage and caused me to be hurt, angry and bitter toward him.  First and foremost, I am hurt that he chose these woman "friends" over me and our marriage. Ultimately, he had a choice to give up these women friends who were hurting me and our marriage or give up me and our marriage.  He chose them.  But is that really what he did?   Not if you ask him.  He truly believes that these women are his friends.  He is a friendly guy.  I know that.  He is a good friend.  I know that too.  He is loyal and will do anything he can to help out one of his friends.  He would give the shirt off his back for any one of his friends.  Drop everything to help a friend in need.  Anyone with T as a friend is a very lucky person.  So when one of these women calls him, for whatever reason at whatever time, he will not turn his back (or hang up) on them.  (Yet, he turned his back on me).  Yes, I believe it is completely inappropriate for a single woman to be calling or texting a married man at any time, for most any reason.  Whatever their motives are, those are not my husband's motives.  His motives are to be there for his friends, no matter what.  It makes him feel good.  It makes him feel needed and loved.  How can I fault him for that?  He's a good man.  This is a perspective that I had not really analyzed before.  He has been saying it for months, but I truly had not looked at it from his position. Second,  with all that said, I am still so hurt that his need to be a good friend overpowered his need to be a good husband.  I was uncomfortable with the whole situation.  As much as I tried to let it go in the past, I just couldn't.  How can these friendships be so much more important than our marriage?  How is it so much easier for him to give up our marriage than it is to give up those friends? Third, can I forgive him for giving up on our marriage?  For breaking a promise he made to me the day we said our vows?  By forgiving him, does that mean that I am letting go of him?  That I am allowing him to do this?  maybe it just means that I just need to recognize and understand why he left in order to truly forgive him.  So, why did he leave?  What did he say when he left.  What did he mean?  He is a  good person, a good friend.  That is who he is.  His friendship doesn't discriminate.  Man, woman, married, single, his friends come in all shapes and sizes.  He is not willing to change who he is for anyone.  Not even me.  Do I want him to?  No, not when it's put like that.  I love the man he is.  And that good friend, the one anyone can depend on is who I fell in love with and chose to spend the rest of my life with.  Do I want these woman to respect our marriage?  yes.  Did I want him to respect my feelings?  yes.  Did I want him to tell me the truth and not keep the amount of contact with these woman a secret from me? yes.  Can I control those women? no.  but he could have.  He could have asked them to respect ME.  Forgiveness may not be something I can just decide to do and do.  If I say, I will work on it, will I?  Or will I continue to let it eat at me?  Will it come up the next time we talk?  It feels like the only way I can honesly forgive him is to truly understand him and believe that he meant no harm to me or our marriage.  Can I do that?  Do I believe these women were only friends to him?  Yes.  Do I believe that he would have never cheated on me?  yes. Do I believe he loves me.  yes. I was talking to a friend of ours a few weeks ago and she made the comment "I can't believe you are being so nice to him".  When I asked what she meant, she said of every thing he has done to you, you are still being nice to him.... First I asked if she knew something I didn't, she said no (whew)  but said that doing things like making sure people don't forget his birthday, calling him, asking if he needs anything etc.. are all really nice things for someone who has totally given up on the marriage and left me.  She said she didn't know how I could do it and not be angry and bitter towards him.  At the time, I thought it as because that is what the Love Dare is all about.  But in thinking about it now, it's because I don't feel any anger or bitterness towards him.  Yes, I still hurt, but the anger and bitterness seems to be gone.  Maybe I have forgiven him without even realizing it?  Update on yesterday:  He did come to the house and yes, he did see the book.  I know this because it was on the tray on the couch and the phone which is usually in the office was out and sitting right next to it.  I don't know if he looked at it as it was almost in the exact spot I left it.  It's ok if he didn't look at it.  The fact that he sees it there, reminds him about it.  I hope he talks to his counselor about it. Please God, help me to realize that my forgivness is true and that I have truly let go of all the anger and bitterness towards T for not choosing our marriage above all else.  Continue to help T find his way through his guilt, grief, and personal struggles so he can find his path home.  One day at a time.  He Loves me.  I believe in our marriage.  Love him unconditionally.