reneev

Moving

2009-04-29T05:05:38Z

Update: I have added a link to be able to subsribe to my journal at it's new location. See the right hand side of the screen and click on the link and enter your email address. You will receive updates via email whenever a new post is added. For those following my journal, thank you for reading and for your continued words of encouragement. I have decided that it is no longer appropriate for me to continue writing about my journey on the Love Dare Journal site. While this site has been so helpful and encouraging for me, I believe that this site should be filled with hope and promise for a positive outcome. I will continue to write and if you would like to follow my journey to healing and moving on, please email me for the link. ReneeV renee@reneerox.com

Day 128 - One step at a time

2009-04-24T03:43:09Z

Today, I took a step or two towards moving on. I removed all of this photos from the house and from work. I'm to a point now that I don't want to look at them and it just reminds me that the happy couple in those photos doesn't exist anymore. Then I wonder if they every really did exist anywhere but in my head. I wanted the picture perfect marriage and life, and in pictures it was perfect. But in life, it was far from it. The other day I talked about how I always thought I wasn't enough for him. But today I realized that he wasn't enough for me. While he brought me to a place in my life where I had all the "things" I wanted, I didn't have to relationship I wanted or deserved. In our marriage, he gave me "things" to make me happy. He gave me pretty much whatever I wanted; a home, toys, a beautiful wedding and honeymoon, introduced me to wonderful people that will be with me forever. But what he never really gave me was himself, 100%, There was always something that came between us. His need for attention was always paramount to anything that I needed emotionally. Why did I stay with him? Because I loved him, I made a commitment to him I and hoped that I would be enough for him. I fought to save our marriage, and I still believe that it could have been saved, but he would have had to want to save it just as much as I did. It takes two. I couldn't save it alone. I need to stop looking back and grieving for what I am losing and look forward to living the rest of my life. It's so much easier said than done but everyday I get a little stronger and look a little further ahead to a life without T in it. One day at a time. I believe in ME. I have faith in ME. I will get through this. Today I'm wondering if it's appropriate for me to continue writing in the Love Dare Journals. Afterall, this is supposed to be a place for saving marriages and mine cannot be saved. Is contining to write about it here telling people that if their marriage doesn't work that it's ok, they'll survive rather than encouraging them to pray and fight for their marriage? While it's theraputic for me to write, at this stage am I helping or hurting? I really hope that I am still helping someone out there.

Day 126 - Letting Go

2009-04-21T21:34:36Z

Well, he’s not coming back. He has seen a paralegal and given me our options for moving forward. That conversation didn’t go well and I emotionally reverted back to the old me of crying and reminding him of the commitment he made the day that he married me. The commitment to be with each other for bettor or worse. I reverted back to speaking before thinking and saying things that don’t come out right which only reinforces his feeling that we are not meant to be together. We reverted back to arguing about the same old things to the point where he got so frustrated that he decided to throw out some other reasons that we are not compatible which were very hurtful to me. I have told him that I'm not ready to take the next step of filing papers and dividing our things. Perhaps that's why he felt the need to say such hurtful things? That if I was angry enough, I would want to move faster. I told him that he needed to wait for me to be ready. I don't know when that will be, but it's not today. It won't be tomorrow.

This last thing he said to me made me think about the fact that from the very beginning I have always felt I wasn’t enough for him. He had always dated taller, blonder, more athletic and active women. I was none of those things. I couldn’t understand why such a handsome, active guy would want to be with someone like me who was so not like his usual “type”. Those who knew him said it was because he had finally come to his senses and realized that he needed a down to earth woman of substance, one who was more than just a “Barbie doll”. He assured me that if he didn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t be. That he loved me for who I was and that he loved our life. Well, the fact that he has reverted back to the way he was before he met me and is hanging out with the same type of women as before has proven to me that while he thought he wanted someone like me, he was just kidding himself.

At this point, he hasn’t made much progress on self reflection as it pertains to our marriage. He is still pointing his finger at me and cannot see what it is that HE could have done to contribute to our problems. It will be a long time before that happens, if ever. Even if he were to come back to me tomorrow, nothing would be different because he has yet to explore his part in this. In his mind, it would still be all about me and I would be the one who needed to make a change and to never change back in order for it to work. I can’t live that way and as much as I would try, I still need change from him too.

So what now? I slowly begin to let go of the dreams of happily ever after with my Prince Charming and face the fact that he was not my Prince Charming. I focus on me and learn how to move on with my life. I find a way to try to maintain the lifestyle I have come to know and love. I will look forward to the day that I’m not constantly thinking about the shambles my life is in right now. Have faith that someday, I will find the right person for me who will think I am the greatest woman in the world and will love me while forsaking all others. Who I will be able to look at with awe and respect and never feel for one moment that I am less than what he deserves.

One day at a time. I believe in ME. I have faith in ME. I will get through this.

*Note to those doing the Love Dare and reading my journal* I'm not sure how my journal ended up being a "Featured Journal" but I am honored. I know from some of the comments that I have received that my journey has helped and inspired people along the way. Please don't let the outcome of my journey discourage you from being strong and holding on to hope for your marriage. Everyone is different, every couple has a different set of personality and problems. Just because my husband and I have not come back together after me doing the Love Dare doesn't mean that it won't work for you. The Love Dare has helped ME tremendously and had I to do it all over again knowing the outcome, I would still do it. I have learned so much about myself that I hope and pray that it can do the same for each and everyone brave enough to take a magnifying glass to your soul. Good luck to you. -Renee

Day 107 - Who am I?

2009-04-03T03:42:31Z

There has been so much floating around in my head lately, I can't seem to settle and write. I am still in that place of sadness and depression. I still don't want to do anything but curl up on the couch, eat and watch TV and it's begining to show on my waistband. Last week, I was so emotional that even the slightest thought of him or our future apart would make me cry. My counseling session was a complete cryfest. So today, I'm trying to sit down and do what I do best and sort out my thoughts and feelings. Last time I wrote, I began wondering about T's new life and wondering how he can be so happy now when it is so different than what it was while we were married. The more I thought about it it became more clear. When we met, his email address was "liv2boutside"... live to be outside. This scared me as I was not really an outdoorsy person and certainly not as adventurous as he was. As we got to know each other, we both gave up some of our previous hobbies in order to spend more time together. I certainly didn't hold it against him, but now I wonder if he perhaps without even knowing it, held it against me. The guy who "lives to be outside" wasn't who I married. I married a guy that liked to to things outside, but also enjoyed evenings at home watching TV to relax before bed. Now, he's back to being the guy who "lives to be outside". So, what happened? Why did he change? Is who he was before we met and who he is now the real T? Who was the guy I married? This has been bothering me for a while and I wanted to talk to T about it. I had the opportunity a few days ago when we met for lunch. While I didn't particularly want to have the discussion in a public place since I knew the waterworks would turn on as soon as I began talking, I needed to talk. So I did. He said that the things he gave up were his choice. Things he did so we could spend more time together. He does not resent me or blame me. Although the more we talked about it, the more it seemed that he was usure about what happened to him, why he changed and whether or not it was one of the reasons he wasn't happy in the end. He felt that the reason I was exploring this issue was so that I could fix it. I dont think that's the case at all. I think I'm just trying to have a better understanding of any underlying issues that may have caused our unhappiness. He feels it is important for us to be apart so that we can discover who we really are and who we want to be. I'm not going to say that it is a bad idea and that I don't have some discovering to do, but I think it speaks volumes that he has outwardly changed drastically since he left and I am the same person doing the same things. Inwardly, however is a different story. I have done far more soul searching and self realization than I think he has. We have seen a lot more of each other the last few weeks than in the previous months. While I could sit here and hope and pray that it's because he misses me, I have to be realistic. I believe he is making more effort to relieve tension between us so that we are more comfortable with each other for an upcoming weekend engagement that we both are attending. He did watch the Fireproof movie, although he didn't really have much to say about it other than there was too much "God stuff" in it for him. I told him that felt the same way but looked past it so see the other aspects of it. That was the extent of what he had to say about it. I hope that our discussion and what he REALLY thought of the movie becomes a topic of his next counseling session. The next struggle is wondering if he misses me. He said at one point that he was having a hard time. That each day gets a little easier, but it is still hard for him. Later, I wondered what he is having a hard time with? Is it because he misses me? Because he feels guilty for what he is doing to me? Or is the technical and financial aspect of this is very difficult? I probably will never know unless I have the opportunity to ask him. If I'm honest with myself, I think it's more of the latter two and not so much the first. He still sees too much negativity and unhappiness in our marriage to miss me. Finally, and this one is a doozy and one that I'm not sure I am ready to deal with, but it has now come up in counseling and there is no way she is going to let me ignore it. In fact I'm having a hard time typing it. Something that I have been asking him since the day he left is "how can you leave the life we have built together behind?" Since I was a little girl, I have always wondered how my life would end up. Who would I marry, where would I live, what would my life be like? When I was 20 yrs old, a very good friend of mine was 26, happily married with a house, dog, cat, and eventually a baby on the way. She had the most wonderful husband. I wanted for that to be my life one day. I wondered if I would have that life by the time I was 26? All of my friends at that time were married. 26 came and went and it wasn't until I was 29 that I met T. I knew the day I met him that I would marry him and 3 years later we were married. Finally, my life had begun. The life I had always wanted. A handsome husband who loved me, a home, a wonderful circle of friends to spend time with, activites we both enjoyed and big kid toys to enjoy them with. 3 years later, the world and life that I have waited so long for is on the verge of crashing down on me. I thought I was where I was supposed to be, how am I going to be able to start over? I wonder how I will ever find someone who loves to do all the things we that used to love to do together? So there's the question looming over me, one that I am afraid to explore and answer. What am I grieving? Am I grieving the loss of the man whom I chose to live my life with or am I grieving the life we made and shared together? What am I trying to save, my stuff or my man? Have I become the woman who wants the married "life" more than anything that any man will do? Even one who doesn't see me as the most important person in his life. One who would choose to keep his female friends over his marriage? One who is so needy for attention that he openly flirts with other women in FRONT of her? Really? Have I become that person? Have I always been that person? Did I settle for a man that is less than I deserve because the life that he offered me was exactly what I imagined? I don't know. But it's time I began to really look at myself. What am I fighting for? Who am I fighting for? God grant me the serentity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. One day at a time. I believe in ME. I have faith in ME. I will get through this.

Day 94

2009-03-21T02:08:55Z

It's been a couple of weeks since I have written and the days are getting harder to take one at a time. The not so bright future seems to loom over me. I am feeling much more depressed these days and I tend to not want to do anything but sleep and lay on the couch. I force myself to go out once in a while and while I find myself looking forward to the outing, I tend to feel like trying to get out of it when the time to go approaches. I find myself not wanting to talk to anyone about this anymore and not wanting to write about it anymore. I cry when I think about the future and all of the things that I will have to experience without him. I cry when songs come on the radio that remind me of our good times. I am sad when I look at our wedding photos or any other photo of us being happy together. People keep telling me that everything happens for a reason and while I know this true it just seems impossible that I will be happy without him in my life. In one of our early counseling sessions, our counselor asked if I would want to be with him even if nothing changed. I said yes. That really bothered him at the time and continued to bother him. He felt that it meant that I was willing to settle for unhappiness just to be with him. That was never the case, I never wanted to settle for unhappiness. I just meant that I would love him not matter what condition our marriage was in. T has finished reading my journal and says he is happy that I have found something that is working for me but nothing he read has made him change his mind about our future. He still believes that there is no way that we can ever be happy again. To an extent, he is right. First you have to WANT to be happy (with me) before you can have faith that it could actually happen. If this is what he believes, then it this is what it is. I still feel that these feelings he has are only temporary. Made out of wanting and needing to feel happy again and grasping for whatever makes him so. Whether it be new friends, new adventures, video games or whatever, right now that is hwat makes him happy. Perhaps someday he will remember that he was once happy with me. I look at his new life and wonder how it makes him so happy when it is so different than the one we had together. Yes we had issues, but our day to day life was happy.. wasnt it? Was I boring to him? Did our life together make him long for the life he left behind when we met? Were my fears of never being enough for him warranted afterall? So if this is how it is going to be, how will I move on with my own life without the one person that I thought was my soulmate? Since he has read my journal, we have had a few occasions of actually talking, in person, one on one. I asked him what it was about the Love Dare that made him feel that it wasn't for him. He said that the Love Dare is for people who want their marriage to work. I disagreed and told him that many people who do the dare are in the same place that he is. And I reminded him that while I did it wanting the marriage to work, I had to do it for myself because the chance that he would be there in the end was minimal. Later, I asked him to humor me. To give the Love Dare a chance to do for him, what it did for me. Without the pressure of doing it to make the marriage work. Do it for him. It's only 40 days, 3 pages a day. Watch the movie, it's only 2 hours. He said he would watch the movie and he would look through the book again. That was a week ago. I don't know if he has done it as again, I don't want to push him. On one of the occasions, we just sat and talked. Not about anything in particular, just talked about what was happening in our lives these days. It was really nice just to relax and BE. I do not want to read anything into it, but I do believe that if we can continue to have more positive interaction, then only positive things can come from it. Today, he came to pick up the dog for the weekend. I have been in this state of sadness for a while now and I know he can hear it in my voice. He called when he was on his way and asked me to do him a huge favor since he was in a hurry. He asked me to pack up the rest of his summer clothes for him. While I understood his need I wondered if he really understood what he was really asking me to do. He was asking me to help him pack the rest of this things so that he could continue to live his life away from me and our home. I did it. I put away the sad feelings and did it. It still hurt though. Tonight, I pray... God grant me the serentity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. One day at a time. Believe in myself. Have faith in myself. I will get through this somehow.

Day 80

2009-03-06T23:50:28Z

Last night, I had a long conversation with T over the phone. I started out by wanting to repeat the Day 4 - Love is Thoughtful phone call and just call to see how he was doing and if there was anything I could do for him. It had been a long time since we talked. Like the first time I called, he immediately simply said "I'm fine" and turned it back on me to see how I was doing. I wasn't going to let that happen this time. I wanted to know about HIM. He's not very good about sharing things with me right now so it took some prodding and he opened up a little. He basically reiterated the things he said to our friends last week and told me that he has not changed his mind and doesnt see it happening, ever. I told him directly for the first time, that I would not give up, that I made a commitment to him and that I plan to honor it. He is still in a place where all he sees is negativity. It's going to take a lot of time and maybe some positive interaction in order for him to see through the negativity to something that bring back happiness. He also informed me that someone had copied and pasted my Day 72 meltdown and sent it to him. While I am not upset that he read that day's journal, I am upset that someone chose the absolute worst day to send him and for him to read it completely out of context. In his current state of mind, all that he got out of reading that day was that I still didn't trust him and that that I was continuing to believe the worst in him. Its possible that whomever sent him the journal entry only sent him a portion of it, but I don't know. I tried to explain to him that every day is a work in progress and that without the benefit of the previous 72 days, he has no understanding of where I am and what I am feeling and how I got there. I told him that I wished that he would read the previous entries, that I wanted him to. He then said he would read it if I sent him the link. After I got off the phone with him, I spent the next two hours re-reading all of my entries. I have mixed feelings about letting him read my journal. On one hand, It will give him the chance to truly understand me as I am right now. Maybe it will give him a whole new point of view on us and our situation. On the other hand, since it is so personal to him, he may be on the defensive the entire way through it and be angry or upset about some of the things I feel or think. Specifically, the recurring fear of him seeing someone else. My feeling that he is lost and is in need of finding himself. Praying for him. To those who have a sympathetic mind to what I am going through, you can certainly see the progression in my entries. They went from detail oriented to true thoughts and feelings. Expressing my feelings and working through them to come to a better understanding of whatever it is I am wrestling with in my mind. I hope that he can see that as he reads my journey. I hope that he will not focus on the negative feelings and pass over the postive that came out of each day. I hope that by the time he reaches this point in my journey, that he has a better understanding of me and to know without a doubt that no matter what he feels, how he acts, I choose to love him. To my husband, if you are reading this, you have taken the time to try to understand me for who I am today. I hope that you were able to see my progression into a much more positive person and that while I ultimately HAD to do this for myself, the benefit to you is a better, more understanding, more attentive wife. Thank you for your time. I love you. Today, I continue to pray for strength and faith. I pray for happiness for both me and my husband. I pray that someday, somehow, someway, the happiness can be with each other. One day at a time. He loves me. I believe in our marriage. Stay positive. Love him unconditionally.

Validation

2009-03-04T18:17:47Z

Someone sent me this to me a couple weeks ago. It's a short (16 min) feel good film. For me, it shows how the power of being positive can affect other people. May it inspire each of us to learn to be or stay positive in this difficult time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao

Day 72

2009-02-27T04:55:44Z

Today was a difficult day and a test to my Day 7 dare, Love Believes the Best. it seems that when ever the subject of this other woman comes up, my emotions always take me to the worst place posssible. I have always had a feeling that since he left me, he was spending time with Her. I never knew what kind of time but I tried to stay positive and believe that he was staying faithful to me. Today, I saw some information on the internet that led me to believe that perhaps there is more going on that I chose to believe. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that there WAS more to it, that he had been unfaithful to me (even though we are separated) and that he was begining introduce his new "girlfriend" to OUR friends. I went into complete panic mode and began to shake, sweat, cry and doubt everything and everyone around me. I couldn't think, and I really needed to finish some important things at work. It felt like reality came up and smacked me in the face with a 2x4. How could he do this? He used to beleive that infidelty was so wrong. He got very angry with a good friend of his for dating a man who was separated, but not yet divorcced. When did this change for him? I wanted to badly to call him and call him every nasty thing in the book, destroy his photos, and do whatever I could to hurt him. I wanted to email Her and tell her that she should be ashamed of herself for helping to break up a marriage and to call her every nasty thing in the book. I was so hurt and angry, I didn't know what to do. I began to doubt my friendships. I knew that none of them would ever tell me if they learned he was dating as that would betray his loyalty. But I wondered if they would just smile and pretend they were happy for him or if anyone would have the guts to remind him that he is a married man and that if he is going to begin dating, he owed it to me to tell me the truth and file for divorce. I eventually began started texting friends, grasping for someone to help me through this. Looking for someone to tell me that it wasn't true. What I found were friends to remind me that I knew NOTHING. That it's only my scared mind overreacting and making things up... again. I realized once again that I didn't trust in him, I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt, I didn't believe the best in him. I allowed my emotions to take over and run away with my mind. It took me a while to calm myself and realize that it was ok to be emotional when being faced with what I believed at the time to be true. And to recognize that it's about how I handle those emotions and what I do with it. While I don't think that freaking out was really the right way to handle it, at least I didn't actually CALL him and demand that he tell me the truth and call him every bad name in the book. And I didn't email Her. All of which I would have and DID do in the past when this happened the first time he befriended a woman outside our marriage (the woman who is now a very good friend to me). I have worked too hard to change my ways to try to become a better person to ruin any positive perception he might have of me at this time. I still don't know if my "gut" feeling is true or not. I hope that he is not dating and that he will continue to be faithful until a time when he can be honest with me and make a permanent change. Even moreso, I pray that he will realize that what we had together, when it was good, is worth fighting for. I pray that I can continue to have faith and stay positive and not read into things as some sort of desperate way to understand what is going on with him. I pray that I can let go of needing to know everything and let God take over and do what is truly best for us. We are going on 4 months of separation now. I'm not ready to give up on him and our marriage. One day at a time. He loves me. I believe in our marriage. Stay positive. Love him unconditionally.

Day 68 - Reality

2009-02-22T18:27:43Z

I woke up this morning with two very different thoughts and as my mind tried to go back to sleep, it wandered in and out of both thoughts and sparked a wide range of emotions. I finally decided that I needed to get up and write. So here it goes... Where is is Reality? It seems that I am living in it being at home, taking care of the house, the dog, spending time with OUR friends, maintainin OUR life, missing him every hour of the day. Where is he living? I believe that while he THINKS he lives in reality, he lives in Fantasy Land. The land where you don't have to think about Reality and can hang out with new friends, play video games, drink, and when not doing that, working extended hours and spendig all that money on frivilous things that may or may not have been able to be purchased back in Reality. Living in Fantasy Land means you don't have to think about or deal with what is happening back in Reality. Fantasy Land is a place where he is free. Free to do what he wants, when he wants with no one to have to report to, consult with, or ask for permission. Every once in a while, he comes to visit Reality, but it seems he can only handle short visits as he only stays for a little while. He has been given multiple opportunities to stay in Reality for longer periods of time, while I am away, but he refuses to do so. It seems that Reality is a place that brings unhappy feelings for him. It's a place that reminds him that he has a REAL home, with responsibilities, a dog who misses him and a wife who loves and needs him. A home that is surrounded evidence of his hard work and dedication to make this the perfect home for us, yet it holds many signs unfinished work. It holds happy memories of us which are clouded by unhappy memories of us. Living in Reality means that you work as a team towards common goals. You make decisions together based on what is best for the future. So why would he want to live in Reality, when he has all the great things about Fantasy Land? He's 42 yrs old. Ours is the longest and most responsible relationship that he has ever been in. Even with his first wife, he was away in the first war in Iraq during part of their courtship. The truth is, he can't stay in Fantasy Land forever. He knows that he has responsibilites at home, even if they don't include me. The question is, how long will it take for him to tire of Fantasy Land and long to live in Reality? Apparently, there seems to be a magic number of six months. When I hear stories of others who have gone through similar situations but whose husbands came home, it was after about six months. So according to this, I have 2.5 months to go. I realize that they are the "exception" and that the "rule" is that the husbands never come back. I pray that we are the exception. The second and very different thought was "has he been faithful"? I pictured myself going to visit him at the place where he was staying. A place where I know some of the people he is hanging out with. There was a party going on and I thought I would drop by. Once inside I found him with HER being very chummy in the backyard. Then, I pictured them coming out of the bedroom together. My feelings grew very angry. I told HER that she should be ashamed of herself for breaking up a marriage. I told him that he was a liar, a cheater and a hipocrate. My thoughts then drifted to what I would do next. Drop the dog off in his lap, take my things, my cat and leave to find my own place. If he thought things were difficult on him now, wait until he has ALL of the house payment and bills dumped in his lap. Hows THAT for a dose of reality! Wow, that was some serious negativity. Where did it come from? It comes from a place of not knowing. Not knowing what is going on in his head right now. Not knowing if he's moving on and fear that he has. The truth is, I have no reason to believe that he has gone against his principles and that he has been unfaithful. So I will choose to continue disregard those negative feelings and keep thinking positive thoughts. I am still praying for some sort of sign to tell me that there is still hope. I'm praying that he is still going to counseling and that he hasn't shut out the people who truly love him and care about his well being. I'm praying that I can continue to have faith in the face of adversity. One day at a time. He loves me. I believe in our marriage. Stay positive. Love him unconditionally.

Day 65

2009-02-19T21:20:14Z

He has been gone 3.5 months. It's been 3 weeks since I gave him the movie and book. I have done a good job of not bugging him about it and giving him time to think about it and consider it. But I'm begining to feel like the longer I give him "space" the further he gets from me. The more he might think that I'm letting him go, and he lets me go. At what point does it stop becoming "space" and does it start becoming reality? We don't talk about anything other than details. We have only seen each other a few times. We never did connect for dinner. I don't know what to do at this point. I want so badly for him to call me and ask for us to talk. Or for some sign that he is doing the Love Dare. For something, anything to tell me that he's not gone forever. A friend suggested that I invite him for dinner again. For some reason, I'm afraid to do so. I don't know why. Perhaps I'm afraid that he will feel pressured to talk about us, which at this point I feel like we should do. Maybe I'm afraid that I haven't given him enough time and it will reinforce his current feeling that the marriage can't be saved? I just don't know what to do. I have already learned that "woulda, coulda, shoulda" isn't somehting that I want to deal with again. I want to do what is right and at the right time. Today I pray for a sign. A sign that will tell me what to do, the direction to go, the next path to take. I pray for some sort of sign of encouragement to tell me he still loves me and that there is still hope, even if he doesn't know it himself. One day at a time. He loves me. I believe in our marriage. Stay positive. Love him unconditionally.

Day 62

2009-02-17T05:46:48Z

I spent the weekend camping with OUR friends, in OUR RV, in a place that WE used to go to. I missed him. I wondered if he missed being there, does he miss our friends, our life together and then I wondered if he missed me. He hasn't said he misses me once in the 3.5 months he has been gone. Not that I expect him to as it would only "encourage" me to continue hanging on when at the moment, he doesnt want me to. It has been 2.5 weeks since I gave him the movie and the book. I still haven't heard anything from him about it. I continue to pray everyday that he takes a chance and watches the movie or opens the book and reads even just the first chapter. I continue to work on myself, staying positive, and learning to love him unconditionally. Working through all kinds of scenarios in my head of what he might be doing now, how he is feeling, who he is with, where he is mentally and then working through my feelings of all of the possibilties. I wonder to myself, in the worst case scenario, have I learned to love him unconditionally? To love him no matter what? Have I learned to truly forgive him? I hope that I have, but really have no way of knowing until truly tested. I have the opportunity to attend a function that he will be at this week. A club that we both attend, with OUR friends. He will be there. I'm not sure if I am ready to be there too. To be there, with him, but not WITH him. I forsee hurt, and sadness of missing my husband, and doing so publically when all of our friends know what's happening... I just dont know if I'm ready for that. Not just the public aspec of it, but the internal, emotional aspect of it. Lately, I have been thinking about the future and the possibility of T not being in it. What will I do? Where will I go? I've had some pretty negative thoughts enter my mind of the hurt and anger that I imagine I will have if and when that time comes. Will I be as gracious as I am now? Will I be angry and vendictive? Sometimes I feel like I will. Like I want to be. Like I want to be so angry and make him pay for breaking his vows to me, for leaving me, and givin up on our marriage. But I know me. That's not the kind of person I am. Or the kind of person I want to be. Even to someone who has hurt me. Then I think, does he think I am being gracious now? Does he think that I am taking this "rather well" by being so nice, helpful, non-confrontational? Ok, that's a silly thing to think. I know he knows that I am not happy with this seperation. I know he knows that I still love him and that I want him to come home. I just wish I knew what he was thinking, what was going on in his head. Has his time away changed him? Has he become a whole new person? I miss him. I miss our life. I just want him to come home and love me and let me love him. One day at a time. He loves me. I believe in our marriage. Stay Positive. Love him unconditionally.

Day 56 - Patience

2009-02-10T23:12:58Z

On day one, I learned patience. My task was to not say anything negative. While T wasn't home and we didn't talk much, saying negative things wasn't an issue. So I decided to work on not thinking negatively. Throughout this process I think I have done a good job at staying focused and positive. Well, over the last few weeks, I have been tested in multiple situations whether it be via text or on the phone or in person to choose which road to take, the negative or positive. T has said some things that in the past would have led me to argue my point or tell him he was wrong and defend myself. I have chosen in each situation to let it go. Prior to doing so, what I really wanted to say was still there but rather than saying it, I stopped myself, thought about whether what I was thinking was really worth saying or not. What is it going to do for me? Make me feel good for a few seconds before the whole thing blows up? I just realized it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth creating conflict when in the end, the topic at hand meant nothing and would be forgotten. Last night, I accidentally texted HIM instead of a friend of mine. I was telling her how he had been short with me, unwilling to help and selfish over the last couple of days. I was horrified when he texted me back asking what I was talking about. I apologized and told him that I was talking to someone else and that I was sorry to have bothered him and to have a good night. His response was "must be talking about me huh?". I could have said yes, and allowed this to be an open door to discuss his recent attitude change. But I chose to simply let it go. There was no need to discuss further. He knew I was talking about him. He knew that I noticed his behavior and I felt that it was time for him sit and stew about it. Today, I let him off the hook for something that he didn't really want to do. My message to him started out very negative and blaming but again, I thought about it and realized it wasn't going to get me anywhere to be negative about it. So I just said don't worry about it, thanks anyway. Now, he is trying to work something out so he can help me afterall. I don't know if my "patience" has done anything to change his attitude, but I can say that I certainly feel better about how I handled each situation. This type of change in me is something that he must be able to see. I have chosen not to engage in what normally would have been bickering and arguing. I have chosen to love him and stay positive no matter how his negative attitude manifests itself to me. I used to wonder what it was like to love unconditionally. I think I'm beginning to understand. I pray that the changes in me will prompt him to want to make a change in himself. I pray that I can continue to stay on my path of self realization and growth. One day at a time. He loves me. I believe in our marriage. Stay positive. Love him unconditionally.

Day 52

2009-02-07T07:53:59Z

2/6/09 11:30 am Today just goes to show that all the lessons learned in the first 40 days CANNOT be forgotten and each and every "task" has to become part of your daily routine. T is coming to get the dog for the weekend (DINK version of child visitation) and as I was getting things together, I wasn't planning to take down the crate because its such a pain and I dont even know if he wants it and figured if he did, he could take it down himself. But then I remembered... do something unexpected today... so, even though I really didn't want to, I took it down, packed it up and drug it out to the kitchen for him. Part of my reluctance to be helpful right now is that he isn't being very helpful for me. He offered to take her next weekend while I am camping (she's in heat and can't be around unknown dogs) but he is working one day in the middle so I need someone to watch her during that time. He doesnt like any of the possibilities that I come up with and isn't real thrilled to have to take her back and forth. He's looking at it as helping ME out where as I am looking at it as another opportunity for him to spend time with HIS dog. I just need to remember, it's not about what is being done in return or being recognized. It's about doing it for the sake of doing it to be nice. I'm actually proud of myself for doing it because NOT doing it is the "old me". 2:16 pm I was just thinking about T's attitude the last week or so. It seems that he might be trying to be mean to me in order to ensure that he's not encouraging me to keep hanging on. But I just remembered. No matter how he acts towards me right now and for whatever reason. I will continue to CHOOSE to love him, unconditionally. One day at a time. He loves me. I beleive in our marriage. Stay positive. Love him unconditionally.

Day 51

2009-02-06T05:10:05Z

Yesterday was a difficult day. I have been making plans for upcoming camping trips all with the hope that maybe things will be different with us by then and that he will be on the trip with me. I asked him about the dates to be sure that it was ok that I took the RV. He said yes then went on to talk about wanting to sell it this summer. That he can't afford to keep making the payments himself. For as much as I have been trying to have faith, and stay positive, this is discouraging for me. It tells me that he still doesn't see a future with me. So all the praying I have been doing and giving him the movie, and the book, that he is still in the same ol place, Negativille. It makes me feel that no matter how hard I pray and how positive I am, I may have to face reality that he is never coming back. That thought makes me sad. Thinking about that day takes be back to the place I was when he first left, before Fireproof, before The Love Dare. The place of great loss and depression. I don't want to return to that place. Ever. Maybe it's too much to expect him to have gone from zero to gung ho in a week. If I were to spin this into something positive, I would say that just because he still doesnt see a future for us TODAY, doesn't mean he won't see a future for us TOMORROW, or the next day, or in a month. Then, last night I dreamed that we were fighting. I was angry and accused him of cheating on me emotionally. His only response was "well, that is who I am, you knew that when you met me" So I asked him why he bothered marrying me if he couldn't be emotionally faithful to me. He got angry and left. I woke up upset and the feeling wouldn't leave me. All morning I had a feeling of anxiety and nervousness that I couldn't shake. I've been trying to come to terms with yesterday's realization and my feelings. I'm trying to stay positive and keep having faith but the truth is, reality is out there and someday i'm going to have to face it. I'm just praying that it's MY reality, and not his. I will continue to keep praying for him. Pray that he sees his counselor and is able to work through his issues, pray th that he reaches out to those who love him and want to support him. Pray that he doesn't keep it all inside. I pray that I can continue to learn and grow for myself and that I can stay positive and keep having faith. One day at a time. He loves me. I beleive in our marriage. Stay positive. Love him unconditionally.

Do You Have Time for The Love Dare?

2009-02-04T18:59:00Z

Since the first time I heard about the Love Dare and then began my journey, I have heard people talk about what a great idea it is but they just don't have the time to focus on it. This simply FLOORS ME yet I can sort of understand it. When our counselor recommended that we go see Fireproof in the theater, we didn't because there were other things more important to deal with at the time. For many, life is one big rush. Rush to get out of bed, feed the kids, get the to school/daycare, get to work, please the boss, get the kids to soccer/balet, get them home, get homework done, feed them, bathe them, get them to bed and by that time, it's all you can do to sit down and have a minute to yourself. Well, in the rush of the day, it's easy to forget your spouse. Even for those WITHOUT kids. And it's because of this, that we end up in a position that we NEED the Love Dare. Doing the Love Dare isn't something that you "just don't have time for". Afterall, what is more imporatant than saving your marriage? For those who are not yet to a point where you NEED the Love Dare, it's still something that is good to do in order to never get to the point where the rest of us are. I guess I'm just feeling like there are so many of us who wish that we would have had the chance to do this BEFORE it became critical and I pray for those who have a chance now. Take care everyone. Stay strong and focused.