rkbixby

Day 13... It's not the rules; It's the following them

2010-01-15T16:39:51Z

Today's task in The Love Dare is to establish healthy rules of engagement with my wife, for use in arguments and disagreements. This might seem odd if you've read my first twelve posts, but I'm skipping it. I know, I'm something of a sickening Love Dare perfectionist, and I need to be -- I believe my life depends on it. However, when I looked at today, realizing that Kelli and I have both reached this point in the dare, having made and revised our list of rules, then violating all of them the day after we last worked on them, I thought and Kelli agreed that we didn't need a new list -- we just need to follow the ones we've already made. We used most of the list in the book, but we threw in some that were specific to us. My most important rule is to spend time in a disagreement listening and seeking compromise, rather than looking for ways to manipulate Kelli's point of view to come into line with mine. I can be clever, devious and relentless in this regard. I've even been known to enter a disagreement clearly in the wrong, and an hour later have Kelli apologizing to me. I've agreed not to do this anymore and Kelli has gotten pretty good at sniffing it out anyway. I also tend to subtly demean and dominate her by talking over her head to make my points. I'm something of a wordsmith, if you haven't noticed, and if my position is weak, I tend to use complex language to bolster it. This usually doesn't work, and makes Kelli more angry than she was when the disagreement started. We've learned, I hope, to speak clearly, listen well, and approach our disagreements with a spirit of compromise and resolution. We've had a couple of weeks in our relationship of good communication and good work toward reconciliation, and they have been pretty much free of conflict. We've both been really engaged in repairing what's wrong in our relationship, and we've been very mindful of not causing a setback by having a "kitchen sink" fight, or one where we get far off the subject and someone feels so hurt and desperate that he or she fights with any weapon that can be found -- even the kitchen sink. In our case that metaphor usually involves some past betrayal. I know the day will come when we're comfortably reconciled and one of us will be having a bad day. The other will do something thoughtless and we will have an argument. I pray that we've learned enough about the damage we've done in the past, that on that day, we put our rules to good use and argue well. I'm not looking forward to our next fight, but it will be a very good day when the lessons we've learned about fighting fair are put to good use and we achieve genuine compromise. I think we both need to know what that feels like in real life. Today was a pretty bad day for Kelli physically. Her back was a mess and she paid for it all day. It was a good day for Rob and Kelli, however. I checked on her throughout the day, gave her encouragement, and let her know I cared. I didn't do these things because the book told me to. I did them because I've started to become the kind of husband who does these things naturally -- the kind of husband who goes through the day with his wif'e's welfare on his mind. Not too long ago, I was the husband who answered the phone with an impatient tone when Kelli would call me at work during a busy time. I would act perturbed when she would pop in to say hi at work, because I was swamped and her presence was a bother. She was such an attentive and caring wife, no matter what I did, that I took her for granted at the very least. At times, I even used her loyalty against her by acting out my old resentments by treating her badly, knowing she would never leave. Today I know how selfish and cruel I have been to Kelli. I can never be that person again. This evening was garbage night and Kelli was down for the count. I stopped by the house after work to take out the trash and give my wife a backrub -- a task I cherish. I tucked her in and gave her a very long, very effective and very tender and loving backrub. As I neared the end, gently stroking her, the encounter became very sensual and romantic. I made sure it was all about Kelli and making her feel wonderful, with no regard for my own pleasure. It was important to me that Kelli know that one of my greatest joys is watching and hearing my beloved wife respond to my caress, without any expectation or even desire for reciprocation. When I left for the evening, my wife was falling into slumber with a smile on her face and "I love you" on her lips. Right now, it just doesn't get much better than that for me.

One Month after Day 40... Life Update

2009-07-25T17:49:59Z

As I promised at the end of my 40-day journey through The Love Dare, I'm making my first update post, about a month after completion of the dare. If you're just starting the dare, or if you're in the middle and it's getting tough to see the benefit, you really need to read this. I know from experience that if you're in a place where you really need The Love Dare, the faith and daily discipline required to complete it are very hard to come by. It can certainly seem, at times, to be alot of work and prayer each day, which result in heartbreak and gut punches from your spouse. It can feel like your prayers are falling on deaf ears and your work is going unnoticed, by God and your spouse. My message for you is that God is good, powerful, gracious and awesome! As I indicated, I was a married man in dire need of the miracle of The Love Dare. My marriage was falling apart and surely going to end when I started the dare, and the central reason was the absence of God in my life and our marriage. It took not one, but two attempts at the dare before any real change started to occur in my marriage, but the changes in my own heart and in my relationship with God started almost immediately. Certainly, the desired outcome of The Love Dare is a long, healthy marriage with God at its center. However, even if that result seems beyond possibility for you, and it might be, please don't underestimate either the power of prayer, God's love, or the personal benefits you may receive by taking the dare. The results for me have been life-changing and wonderful, and my marriage is better than it's ever been. Personally, after 20-plus years away from church, and separate from God in some very important ways, I have been born again in Christ. I have recently recommitted myself to God, accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, and found a new church home, which my wife and I are in the process of joining. Kelli and I are taking this spiritual walk together. Not only has church become a central part of our lives as a couple, but our kids are involved too. Our Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings are spent in church as a family, and the benefits for all of us are starting to show. But the part of this that is the most exciting, and the reason I started this dare in the first place, is that Kelli and I have never been more in love. Our mood when we're alone together is intimate and romantic, and we're just getting along better in general than we have in a very long time. But more important than all that is that we both feel that our bond of marriage is stronger than it has ever been. The fear, mistrust and guilt that plagued us for so many years have been wiped away. We've shared what we needed to share, given it all to God, and forgiven each other completely. When all the dust cleared, here we were -- two married people standing in the light with God smiling upon us, apparently pleased that we had learned what He wanted us to know -- that life together with Him is more wonderful than we ever could have imagined on our own. We both know that we are married to each other with God's blessing, forever, and we couldn't be happier. In order to celebrate this gift, we have chosen to renew our wedding vows in September, with our families and our new pastor present. We are very much looking forward to this event -- perhaps more we did approaching our first wedding. My prayer for all who read this is that the power of God touches each of you as it has Kelli and me, who, by the way, is in her final ten days of The Love Dare. I truly believe that God's will and His plan for married people exist in the process of the dare. So if I have any advice, it is that you should do it and live it faithfully to the end, and then continue its principles every day. Try not to be selfish and impatient about the result, lest you sabotage the very thing you're trying to achieve. Have faith in God's love and power even if it seems foreign and uncomfortable to you. I certainly never envisioned myself skipping off to church every Sunday with my bible tucked under my arm, eagerly anticipating another chance to praise God and hear His word through my pastor, but I do. I never saw myself crying in church on a regular basis, just because the power of God's message has overwhelmed me again, but I do. Two months ago, neither I, nor any of my close friends, thought we would ever see Kelli and me together again, but we are. Praise be to God!

Day 38... Love Fulfills Dreams

2009-06-27T11:23:05Z

On Day 38 of The Love Dare, I'm asked to think of what my wife would most want, if it were attainable, then to start mapping our a plan to meet her desires, to whatever level I possibly can. It's wonderful how God works, because this day in the dare coincides exactly with the work we're doing in our devotional. Over the last two days, we've been mapping out goals and strategies for our lives in six key areas. We covered everything from family to financial to spitirual goals. Both Kelli and I worked on the goals and the ways to achieve them. It is so cool that we're developing this daily exercise of working on our marriage and family life in a tangible way, and including God in our plans and desires for our marriage and our family. The way it makes me feel when we're in the process of that work is something I couldn't have imagined before The Love Dare, and I don't think I can describe it very well even now. Tonight was our first night with all six of us back in the house for an entire weekend. After dinner, Kelli and I, along with all four of our kids, sat down for a family meeting. We talked about the problems in our marriage and our family dynamic. We talked about the spiritual journey that has brought us back together. We made apologies to our children about how our lack of focus on God and church, and our resulting marital probems, have hurt them. We also laid out a plan for our family to heal and flourish, with God and church as central components of our life. We encouraged the kids to share their concerns and feelings with us. Madi was sort of the supportive cheerleader. Lexi and Rachel didn't say much at all. Connor, my 12-year-old, was the one who felt the most emotional impact from what's been going on, and he finally let it go. He and I had a private talk about some things which had been troubling him, and then we came back in and shared them with the whole family. He wasn't the only one feeling these things, and his openness helped all the kids, as well as Kelli and I, get through some important issues in this meeting. We also covered our family plans for the future -- what we're going to do differently and what's expected of everyone. Of course, church and family time will be crucial to our future, and despite the moans and eye-rolls, I think the kids are actually positive and open-minded about all of it. All in all, it was a very positive meeting, and the entire evening went really well. We just did normal Friday night stuff -- just better than we used to. It's amazing how quickly God becomes a part of a family that simply makes an effort to invite Him. I'm nearing the end of this second journey through The Love Dare. I have two very private and intimate days left out of forty. My numbered entries will end here. Rest assured, I will write my letter of commitment in Day 39, and my wedding vows in Day 40. I will also continue to make entries in this journal as time goes by to update our progress in God and share what my family and I learn in our journey. I can't adequately describe the importance and effectiveness of The Love Dare in my life. It was given to me by God's Grace. The courage to complete it came from Him. But most of all, the changes He has made in my heart, and Kelli's heart, are more amazing than I could have imagined before the dare. God is good, and I love my wife, as He intended.

Day 37... Love and Prayer

2009-06-26T15:15:19Z

On this, Day 37 of The Love Dare, I'm asked to request of my spouse that we start praying together daily, and discuss what time of day to do it. We are instructed to commit our concerns, needs and disagreements before The Lord, as well as to thank Him for His provision and blessing. We actually started this portion of the dare on Day 36, along with our scripture reading and devotional, so tonight it came rather naturally. As I said in yesterday's post, this area of our lives, as directed by The Love Dare, is going much differently and much better than in my first attempt at the dare. My wife is a much more enthusiastic, more committed participant in our learning to walk with God this time than the first. Last night was a great example. We were getting to bed later than we had planned. Kelli was really tired after a hard day at work. This is a set of circumstances that would have, in the past, caused Kelli to be annoyed and irritated that we had to read scripture and pray before bed. But something has clearly happened to her -- something wonderful. Just as I was about to let her off the hook by suggesting we skip tonight in our devotional and journaling, she started to scoop up our books and pens and asked if we could do our spiritual work in bed. It was obvious that she'd rather have been sleeping, but she knew without my prodding, that this work is important and essential to our marriage, and our entire lives. She knew that there will be many times when it will be more comfortable and convenient to just skip it, and we need to be in the habit of doing it anyway, starting tonight. I was really very proud of her. So we read our devotional and related Bible verses, wrote in our journals and said our nightly prayer together. It's hard to describe the new feeling of closeness and intimacy we have now, as we both work to bring God closer in our lives. Yes, it's very new, but it's also very real and very important to both of us. I told Kelli last night on the phone that I feel more joyful and peaceful than I have in a very long time. Today was Kelli's Day 8 in the dare. Her task was to become my biggest fan. To my very pleasant suprise, she wrote me an email in which she expressed the deepest understanding and appreciation of the work I've been doing in The Love Dare, and of the way I've changed because of it. She is delighted and very grateful for the way God is working in my life, and is more in love with her husband than she ever has been. I've heard and read many loving things from my wife over the years, and she has certainly praised me for many things. But never in the six-and-a-half years that I've known her has she told me anything that compares to that email. Maybe that's because the message was not so much about my accomplishments, but much more about God's work in our lives and Kelli's understanding of it. What we're going through right now, the journey we've begun, is awesome in its power and wonderful to experience. We have much work to do, but it is very good work. God is good.

Day 36... Love is God's Word

2009-06-25T15:25:07Z

On this 36th day of The Love Dare, I'm asked to commit to reading the Bible every day, with the help of a daily devotional for guidance. I'm encouraged to include my wife if she's willing, and to begin to submit all aspects of my life to the guidance of God's Word. This was actually a day Kelli and I have been planning for. On Wednesday evening, our trip to Barnes & Noble was for the specific purpose of buying a Bible and an accompanying devotional. So, this evening we began our daily study of the Bible, using our devotional, and writing in our journals about the lessons of the day. We also began praying together this evening. I have to say that this was a very positive experience in our marriage for me. We've made efforts in the past at trying to read scripture and pray together, as directed by The Love Dare. But this time is much different. Before, Kelli was a less than willing participant, and became frustrated quickly. She really wasn't committed to doing it, so when it was difficult for her to understand, or when it kept her from getting to sleep when she was tired, she became irritable, and we just stopped doing it. Now, Kelli has been very involved in what we do and how we do it. She picked out her own personal Bible. We both browsed the selection of devotional books and agreed on one we thought we could both be comfortable using. Then tonight, Kelli was the one who gathered up our materials and got us going. This day in the dare was really special to me, because I got to do it with my wife, and she was really part of it. Today really helped me to see the progress Kelli has made in recognizing the importance of God in our marriage, and in her willingness to bring Him close. Today's devotional reading was about the necessity of having God as our stability, our foundation. It talked both about the power we can receive from Him and the consequences of failing to walk in His Word. I believe we have felt both edges of that sword, and we're at a wonderful place in our marriage, as we allow this new foundation in God to be built beneath our marriage, after our old poorly supported relationship was torn down. Kelli and I had a busy, but good day. We both worked, and then had to go in separate directions for our kids. It was just a regular old normal and hectic day. We helped each other, complemented each other and enjoyed being together at the end of the day. I think we're both enjoying loving each other as God intended. We're very new at it, and I'm sure there are still some things we'll do wrong. But I believe God is merciful and forgiving, so as he sees our hearts in the right place, I have faith He'll guide us to build a better, stronger and more loving marriage.

Day 35... The Road to Accountability

2009-06-24T13:40:35Z

In this 35th day of The Love Dare, I'm instructed to find a marriage mentor -- a strong Christian who will be honest and loving with me. It also suggests that counseling may be needed, and to pursue that avenue also. Finally, I am to ask God to guide my decisions and discernment. This dare has been an ongoing process since my first round of The Love Dare. The truth is that I've started and stopped, gone down dead end roads, and had difficulty finding a couple in our social sphere who has the kind of marriage we want to emulate. But I think we're finally on the right track. After four weeks spending time and money with our first "pastoral" counselor, referred to us by a church we had attended, Kelli and I decided we were getting far too much clinical counseling and barely anything pastoral, and stopped seeing him. Our original desire, which was clearly expressed, was to receive counseling that was biblically based, from a pastor. We've seen secular, clinical counselors before, with no improvement in our marriage. We also believe the root of our problems is spiritual. We have never allowed God His proper place in our marriage, and we need Him there. The counselor we seek is a pastor who will help us grow in Christ and learn to live a Godly life together as husband and wife, forgiving the mistakes of our past so we can move forward in a loving and joyful marriage. After attending several local churches looking for a home, Kelli and I have found one that fits. It is a Baptist church just a couple of miles from our home. The pastor is great. The programs for kids and adults are many and varied. The congregation is active in God's work and spiritual growth. It just seems to us that this church has everything we need to grow and give in Christ. One very attractive aspect of their ministry is weekly biblical counseling. Every Thursday, the associate pastor clears his schedule for the entire afternoon and evening and spends that time counseling those who need it, for a variety of reasons, with biblical solutions. It's free of charge too, which is attractive to Kelli and me, not only for budgetary reasons, but because it indicates proper motives in ministry. I have spoken to the pastor and scheduled our first appointment. We're very hopeful and can't wait to get started. That leaves us with the other part of today's dare -- finding a marriage mentor. Kelli and I have talked about this alot, and ideally we'd like to find a couple with whom we like spending time, and whose marriage is one we'd like to learn from and emulate. While we know several married couples we call friends, none of them has the kind of God-centered marriage we need. Understanding our need to put ourselves in an environment to meet this kind of couples is another reason we love the church we've found. The congregation is a pretty broad spectrum demographically, and there are many couples our age with kids our age. They are also a congregation who is very active in Christ. We feel welcome and comfortable there, and really trust that God will reveal to us soon the mentoring couple, or couples, we need in our life. By the way, Kelli and I had a wonderful evening on Day 35. It was just normal married stuff -- a little dinner, a little grocery shopping and early to bed ;) . We love each other; God loves us; life is starting to look pretty joyful and hopeful. There is much work ahead of us, in our marriage and with our kids, but I think both of us are very encouraged and excited to be pointed in the right direction.

Day 34... Godliness in Action

2009-06-23T11:26:27Z

In this, the 34th day of The Love Dare, I'm asked to find a specific way my wife recently demonstrated Christian character and verbally commend her for it today. I thought about this dare alot as the day went by. I found myself recounting alot of time, looking for ways in which Kelli sacrificed her own interests and desires in order to help people, or ways in which she had reacted with grace and compassion when someone treated her badly in some way out of their own ignorance or anguish. Once again, God provided the perfect example of Kelli's Chrtistian character as the day unfolded. We scheduled a meeting with my ex-wife, the mother of my kids, to finalize a plan of action to help my oldest daughter with her serious and troubling emotional and behavioral issues. She is an at-risk 14-year-old, depressed, mistrusting, manipulative and deceitful. Lexi clearly paid the biggest price for the diviorce of her mom and me. She was old enough to have shared in the anger and hurt her mom and I exchanged with each other. She grew up feeling hurt and abandoned, I suppose, even though all adults concerned have done our best to raise our kids in the aftermath of divorce. On top of that, we recently told Lexi that I was not her natural father. I adopted her when she was one year old, when I married her mom. As she grew older, there were instinctive questions that came to Lexi's mind which had to be answered. As she was already doing poorly in life, the burden of this new knowledge certainly complicated her problems. Her mother and I, for the first time since our divorce, have actually been working together in a fairly united fashion for the last year or so as parents. We have come up with a pretty comprehensive plan of action for Lexi, involving rules of conduct and social boundaries, along with church activities and counseling. Our meeting to put all this in final form happened last night after dinner. As the day wore on and I contemplated today's dare, it occurred to me what a great stepmother Kelli has been to my kids, especially Lexi. Kelli has just one child, a daughter with whom she is very close, who is pretty much a model child. Madi is a great student with a pretty good natural moral compass. She was young enough when Kelli was divorced from her first husband to have escaped most of the damage older kids endure from that process. Certainly becoming the stepmom of three more kids, one of whom who presents many parental challenges, was a huge sacrifice for Kelli. In the five years we've lived together as a blended family, Kelli has been a great third parent to my kids, most of the time with very little thanks from them or me. Not only has she been taken for granted at times, but she has also had to endure more than her share of anger and disrespect, especially from Lexi. She's not perfect -- there have certainly been times when Kelli has questioned whether that's all worth it. But in the end, she has remained a dutiful, concerned and loving stepmom. Especially now, in the midst of our own serious marital problems, she has remained a crucial part of Lexi's parenting. Her input into our plan for saving Lexi has been invaluable. Her commitment to participating in what might be our most difficult time as parents is unwavering. Her maternal love clearly extends beyond her own daughter and reaches out to this teenage girl who has given her little thanks and much resistance. As we drove to our meeting with Lexi's mom, I expressed to Kelli how grateful I am for her help with Lexi, and how I recognize the sacrifices she has made to be a positive influence in Lexi's life. Of course, she said I don't need to thank her for that, but I do. I needed to tell her that, not only because she deserves my thanks and recognition. Over the past year or so, Kelli has dealt with many aspects of her thinking and behavior which have made her feel not so good about herself, and I think it's important that I remind her that she is, despite her human imperfections, a good and loving parent whose guidance and concern are given quite unconditionally. She is, in my mind, the best stepmother I could ever bring into my kids' lives. Certainly, all the adults involved in the lives of our kids realize that we've made mistakes, and the fact that our kids have witnessed divorce and have step parents might not have been God's ideal plan for them. But we've all moved forward and done the best we could with the circumstances at hand. We've all tried to show our kids love and provide them guidance, Kelli perhaps most of all. Our meeting went pretty well, although we are left with some concerns. The rest of our evening went well too. Although we both intended to get to sleep early, we ended up having a pretty long conversation about mistakes we've made in our marriage and what we're going to do differently with God's help. We're actually getting pretty good at looking at our faults and mistakes together in a constructive way, without being defensive or angry, and looking for positive solutions. Yes, sleep might have been nice, but the strengthening of our marriage was probably more important last night, and nobody ever died from lack of sleep. I love my wife; she loves me, and God clearly Loves us both.

Day 33... Love Completes

2009-06-22T11:21:11Z

Well, for my very small and patient following who are waiting for my journal entry for Day 32 of The Love Dare... sorry. There will be no entry for Day 32 because due to circumstances beyond our control, Kelli and I have had to postpone the dare for that day, and let's face it, it's pretty private anyway. So, on to Day 33 I go. Today's dare asks me to realize that my wife is an integral part of my future success, express my desire to include her in upcoming decisions, let her know how important her input and counsel is and admit my failures in this area in the past. Actually, Kelli and I did most of this late in the evening of Day 32, because we had some available and unused dare time that day. We were having sort of a final discussion about my moving back into the house and reconciling fully. Kelli was sharing with me some of her long-term concerns, and alot of them were about how we manage our money and some potential financial difficulties that lie ahead. After a long discussion, some of which was a little tense, we found that we had never communicated or worked together very well on our household finances. Kelli always paid most of the bills and bore most of the related stress for meeting our obligations. I mostly took for granted that she would take care of that, and focused only on making, and spending, money. Frankly, the prospect of that system continuing upon our reconciliation, wasn't attractive to Kelli, and I completely understand. For most of our marriage, I had made large financial decisions and then left Kelli to meet them. I never thought of it that way, but that's exactly what we were doing, and it didn't work. So, at the end of the conversation Saturday night, we both resolved to work as a team on financial issues, from the making of decisions to the responsibility for meeting our family budget. I think we've both known this is necessary for a long time, but never really dealt with it. I'm actually excited for our family finances to be a very important part of a marriage we both do much better than we ever have. Another area where I value Kelli's input and advice is in the area of my children, specifically my 14-year-old, very troubled daughter. As Kelli and I have made plans for our reconciliation, my daughter Lexi has been an important part of these plans. In question are things like where she would live (with me or her mom), which high school she will attend, what her rules will be, and what counseling / church plans we will lay out for her. Lexi's mom and I met last week to discuss some of these issues, along with Lexi's older half-sister, and Kelli. Kelli loves Lexi, perhaps like only a concerned step-mom can. Her input is valuable because her loving concern isn't colored by hurt feelings and the guilt of a divorced parent. Both Lexi's mom and I listened to her advice where Lexi is concerned, and I think all of us are on board with a very aggressive plan to rescue this at-risk daughter we all love. As it happens, Day 33 was also Father's Day. We had a wonderful family day. In the morning, we went to church, with my three kids. We have found a new church home after a pretty short search. God has graciously led us to a Baptist church close to our home. I have to admit this is fairly suprising to me. I'm a lifelong uncosnscious, holiday-attending Presbyterian. Kelli was raised in a small Brethren church. Neither of us has regularly attended church in most of our adult lives. We were really as far from Baptists as christians can be before we started the process of rebuilding our marriage around God. Part of this process was starting from scratch where church is concerned, investigating and attending several until we found one that is home. Well, we have, and apparently, we're Baptists! In the afternoon, we had all four kids and spent time with Kelli's family. In the evening, it was just the two of us and we had a perfect end to a great day. We decided it was time for me to move back home. Now, it might be very easy to perceive this decision as the destination of this journey Kelli and I have been on, but it is not. Too many times before in our marriage we've reconciled and quickly returned to our old habits and ways of relating to each other, only to be back at odds with each other fairly soon. This time is, and must be, different. We've spent most of this year, in gut-wrenching fashion, facing and dealing with the problems in our marriage. We've learned to communicate much better. We've shared the deep dark stuff and started the process of forgiveness. We've brought God into our marriage and begun to walk down His path for us. Kelli's Father's Day card had a personal note telling me to read the words carefully, and to realize how proud she is of the man I've become. I must keep that thought close in mind, and never waver from this path God has set me on. My wife, my marriage and my family are much too important to go back. Today was a very good day. Praise be to God!

Day 31... Love, Marriage, Everything

2009-06-20T14:13:58Z

In this, Day 31, of The Love Dare, I am asked to look for any "leaving" issue I haven't been brave enough to conquer yet, confess it to my spouse and resolve to make it right. Then, realizing that my marriage is dependent on having no other relationships which stand in the way of it or compromise it in any way, I must make a commitment to make my marriage the top priority over every other human relationship. This has been a pretty interesting and spiritually rewarding day. Unlike some other days in the dare, in which I initially thought I had no related issues, but after prayer and meditation, I found some hidden ones, the process of today's dare revealed that I truly am at a point where no other relationship in my life, friend, family or organization, stands in the way of or compromises my relationship with my beloved wife. My parents have never been an issue in this regard. Since we are a blended family, both having children from previous marriages, I had to inventory my relationship with my kids carefully, as it relates to my commitment to Kelli. What I found was that although I love them all dearly, and will do everything I can to guide, protect and provide for them, I would never choose my children over my wife. Having said that, I should add that I believe that if I am guiding my family spiritually, making God and church part of our daily lives, a choice like that should never need to be made. My faith tells me that God will take care of my family and keep it lovingly together if we include Him in it. Where friends are concerned, I don't have one male friend who influences me in any kind of destructive or negative way about my wife or about marriage, or who influences my behavior in such a way that I might harm my marriage. I have no relationship with any woman, friend or ex-wife, which threatens my marriage in any way. I have also learned what changes in my behavior with women needed to change in order to prevent acquaintances with women from crossing any boundaries which would compromise my marriage. I ended my dare today not with a sense of pride or a pat on the back, but an overwhelming sense of affirmation and gratitude. The Love Dare is not easy, even the second time. It is gut-wrenching at times, and makes the person taking it look at things he has probably been hiding from himself for years, out in the open and in the light of day. It makes him discuss these things with his wife. It also requires him to show his wife love at times when love might be the last thing he feels. But today, all that effort was validated in some way, as I got to take some inventory and find most everything in its place. I am humbled at the awesome power of God in my life, and I really like the person, and the husband, He is shaping me into. My day with my wife was really cool. We both worked, and I was fairly busy, so we didn't talk very much throughout the day. We had a date night planned, and I looked forward to it all day. We went to a clay studio and glazed plates for each other, which we'll pick up in a few days. It was relaxing and intimate, and reminded me how much I enjoy my wife's company. After that, we went to dinner and then back to the house. It was just a really normal, really quiet, really peaceful evening. We did something new and enjoyed it together. We did some routine things we always do, a foot rub for instance. At bedtime, we cuddled and it was wonderful. We both fell asleep for a little while, and when Kelli woke me up to get some more covers, it was kind of awkward, I suppose. We had both been asleep in our bed, but I'm not living there. It would have been easy, really easy, to just take my clothes off, roll over and go to sleep. Kelli even asked me to stay because it was late and I was tired. But I just didn't feel right doing that. Kelli is well aware I want to move back into the house, and she's taking care of some things that have to be done in order for that to happen. It's true that I've spent a couple of nights at the house in the time we've been separated. But now, so close to moving back for good, I just don't want to diminish the significance of that by sort of moving back by accident. Leaving the house last night was different than other nights. It still wasn't pleasant, or what I wanted to be doing, but it had purpose, and the purpose was good. My marriage must be done right, even when I'm really tired. God is good!

Day 30... Unity, for real

2009-06-19T04:42:56Z

In this 30th day of The Love Dare, I'm asked to isolate one area of division in my marriage and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Then I was to ask the Lord to reveal anything in my heart that threatens oneness with my wife, also praying that He would do the same for them. Finally, if appropriate, I am instructed to discuss the matter openly with my wife, seeking God for unity. This day actually seemed to be exactly what we needed right now. Kelli and I have covered so much ground in the past month or so, resolved so many issues and begun to resolve even more, that there really isn't alot of division to talk about. However, there is one 800-pound gorilla in the room. I am still not living in our home, and although I'm patiently doing the work with God that I need to do for our marriage to survive this separation, it still hurts me not to be home. As I prayed for God to reveal anything in my heart that threatens that oneness, there was only one. Kelli has one friendship that was a vehicle for much of her behavior that was so destructive to our marriage. This friendship facilitated associations, thinking and actions which nearly caused our marriage to end. As I've said before, I share much of the blame for the negative changes in Kelli over the past year or so, but this particular friend was there through all of it, supporting my wife's extremely bad behavior. Although I did, at one point, tell Kelli that this friendship had to end altogether, I realized quickly that this was probably not going to happen. This friend of Kelli's has her own struggles in life and her own emotional issues which weigh heavily on her. Now that Kelli has sort of awakened from her darkness, she feels obligated to help her friend, while maintaining a healthy distance from her behavior. This relationship, in its current state, certainly does threaten my oneness with my wife. I don't need their friendship to end entirely to feel secure; I just need Kelli to have the conversation that needs to be had before I can feel comfortable moving back into the house. That brings me to the central issue of division, which is the physical separateness of our living arrangements. While I am indeed very pleased with the progress we've made in our marriage recently, it still hurts to be sleeping in a bed without my wife, in a house that isn't ours. For me, that situation does not indicate or promote unity. I certainly realize that Kelli wants us to be living together, and I sense that it will happen soon, but I needed to talk to her about specifics of when I might move back home, and what she needs to have happen before she can feel good about it. We did have a chance to talk about these issues tonight. I brought up the living situation first, and it made Kelli very quiet, so I moved on to the friendship issue. As it turns out, Kelli and her friend are having dinner together Saturday evening, and Kelli was already planning to use that meeting to tell her friend about our reconciliation plans and to establish some new boundaries for their friendship. I was very pleased to hear that, and I think it left Kelli a little shocked that I was okay with what she planned to do, instead of requiring her to break off the friendship altogether. That part of our discussion went very well. The moving home part, while more difficult, was also a positive discussion. There is still some fear associated with me moving home, for Kelli. She is concerned that we'll have a much rougher time getting along when we're together at home all the time. She also fears that when we live together again, we'll slide quickly back into the comfort of our old habits. Ironically, Kelli also felt it necessary to have "the talk" with her friend, and have that issue resolved before I move back home, as well as preparing her daughter for that too. I must say, it really is wonderful being able to talk to my wife about sensitive issues without feelings being hurt to the point of an argument. We've never been good at that at all. God is truly working in our marriage, for both of us. It was a good night, and Kelli was very reassuring to me about our future. I might even be moving back home this weekend. I am very eager to take our new-found harmony out into the real world of day-to-day married life. If we keep working and asking for God's help in our marriage, I believe our reconciled life together will be better than we've ever known. Truly, I have realized again that Kelli is the woman I want to spend the rest of my live with, and I want the rest of my life to start as soon as possible. She is amazing! Once again, we had a good day, and I will go to sleep joyful and peaceful, thanks be to God.

Day 29... Love is my motivation

2009-06-18T04:34:18Z

In this, Day 29 of The Love Dare, I'm instructed to pray for my wife by name and for her needs. Then I am to tell her I love her and express love to her in some tangible way. Then, at the end of the day, I'm directed to go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving me the privilege of loving my wife unconditionally, the way He love both of us. I believe this exercise, done specifically in the order laid out in the chapter, reinforces the origin of love, The Lord, and the fact that love is an action more than a word or a feeling. As usual, God provided for me and my love dare very effectively today. Of course I told Kelli I love her -- I do that every day, and mean it every time. But my opportunities to express love in tangible ways abounded today. Early in the day I started to see my efforts to help Kelli's work situation come together. As I've written previously, my decisions and actions in a dispute between our employers have put Kelli in a precarious position at work, so I felt a strong responsibility to do whatever I could to help repair the situation. This work actually began yesterday. I gave my boss some ideas about why we should resume doing business with Kelli's company and suggested some ways he could "win." Then I sent a few well-crafted emails to the higher-ups at Kelli's company, suggesting an approach that I think will work with my boss. That all started to come together today, and my correspondence sparked some conversation between Kelli's bosses and her that not only didn't damage her standing with the company, but actually put her in a stronger position than she was before. Good work, if I do say so myself. At lunchtime, my ex-wife and I, along with our 14-year-old daughter's half sister, met for lunch to get some insight regarding some problems Lexi is having, and they are many. I had arranged for Kelli to be involved in that meeting, both because her insight is valuable and because it was very important to me that I include her, because my wife, Lexi's stepmom, is an important figure in addressing her problems, and I wanted Kelli to understand her long-term value in our family. The meeting went very well, and Kelli's point of view was extremely valuable. My last tangible expression of love was the real proof of my undying and God-given love for my wife. After dinner and running some kids around, Kelli had some shopping to do... for clothes and shoes. My normal behavior in a situation like this would be to first try to get out of going. If that didn't work, I'd be impatient and try to hurry up the process by becoming agitated and very short. Tonight was different. My beloved wife wanted to shop and she wanted me with her. I even reminded her after a hard day, that she had to go tonight because she had coupons!!!! So we shopped. I reminded myself that I didn't have to be anywhere else, and just followed Kelli around the store, carried her purse and shoes for awhile, helped her pick out some things and left with her when she was sure she was done. She was doing something she enjoyed and I got to be with her and watch her do it. It's not that shopping with Kelli was so awful before, but it wasn't about me, so I just wasn't very patient with her when she did it, which made it much less enjoyable for her than it should have been. But tonight was about her, and she is important to me... so we shopped... and I liked it... because I love her. I got a very special and very significant set of suprises today, from my wife. Actually it started last night. She decided to make another effort at The Love dare herself. She searched until she found the book, which had disappeared, and started to read it. She really didn't inform me last night that she was going to take the dare, but it did look promising. But today at lunch, my wonderful wife appeared with her wedding ring on for the first time in six weeks. I thanked her when we left the restaurant, but really didn't discuss it. Then later in the evening, I told her how special it was to me to see that. She explained her reasons for wearing the ring again by saying that although she knows that we're not fixed and totally okay, that if she is going to make a sincere effort of 40 days of The Love Dare, she should probably have the commitment in her heart that ring represents. I understood, and I was very happy. I did thank God tonight, enthusiastically. He has truly shown me what love is, where it comes from and how to do it. I am grateful for His grace and patience in my life.

DAY 28... Love's sacrifice

2009-06-17T10:46:44Z

In Day 28 of the dare, I'm asked to identify a specific need of my wife's, and do what I can to help meet it, sacrificing my wants and needs in doing so. This is actually an easy concept for me to understand and live by at this point, but certainly that wasn't always true. Today, I am at a place in my marriage and with God where nothing is more important than meeting the needs of my wife. But for much too long in our relationship, I took Kelli's love for granted and was concerned primarily with my own comfort. As I look back, I can see that I did only the bare minimum for her -- just enough to ensure that her love and service to me continued. At times I wasn't even doing that, instead taking actions in my life which were very harmful to our relationship and hiding them from her. In my first love dare, I picked out one household task to do myself that Kelli does now. It was a disaster. The task I picked, the family budget, was not one she wanted to let go of, and was pretty angry at how I approached it with her. We did make an agreement to do that together, but very shortly afterward, we separated and so did our finances, for the most part. This time through the dare, I'm being a little more careful about what I choose for this day. Kelli's greatest unmet needs right now are three: medical help with her back pain and resulting complications, spiritual help with her relationship with God and His place in our marriage, and financially, finding a way to enable her to leave her current job, which has an income level our family budget needs, but which she dislikes intensely and provides no long-term security. There isn't much I can do about the first two of these. Regarding the medical issues, I do what I can. I try to stay supportive and encouraging. I go to doctor's appointments with Kelli and try to ask questions she might forget. I've tried to do as many household chores as I can to prevent her from aggravating her injury. In the spiritual realm, I have to walk softly. Kelli does understand her need for God to have a bigger role in her life and our marriage, but seeking Him is not comfortable for her. My counsel and encouragement in this area has been met with resistance and even anger at times, because I'm the last person Kelli wants to hear preaching to her. We have reached a point where we can talk about this issue without anger, and actually, we're fairly unified now in our plans to find a church and seek God together. I'm grateful for that progress. The third issue, her job, is the area that requires the most uncomfortable action from me. In order for Kelli to be able to leave that situation, I'll have to make choices I don't want to make. I have, up to this point, chosen to work in a job in my field which affords me freedom with my time to spend with family, working for a company I love, but which doesn't pay me the level of income I could make elsewhere. Because of financial decisions Kelli and I have made together, our household budget can't afford the drop in income that would occur if Kelli left her job. So for her to be able to do that, I'll need to find and take a job which pays more. I've been to the point, a couple of times, of being willing to do this. But when Kelli announced her plans to divorce a couple of months ago, I decided to stay put. Now, as we approach reconciliation, I must be ready to make this change professionally. Preparation for this move starts now, and I will begin to make contacts and put out feelers immediately. Tonight was our fourth counseling appointment, and I've got to say, it was a little odd. Even after last week's clarification of the direction we were taking, this week's session was a return to very little help, a lack of spiritual direction and a very clinical approach. We both sought a "pastoral" counselor to be helped in receiving God into our marriage, and after four sessions and $300, our pastoral counselor hasn't really talked about that at all. When we left this evening, I was kind of quiet. It was Kelli who said "We do better than that on our own." Now, both of us are very apprehensive about quitting counseling, because we don't want to just stop working on our problems and let things go back to the way they were. But I think we've both reached the conclusion that we have to make a change. Perhaps the new church we're going to will provide a more Godly solution for us in counseling. Part of my frustration with our counselor is that he seems oblivious to the fact that we're separated and are looking for help reconciling. No plan has been put in place for my moving back home, or even any advice as to what we must do for that to happen. I kind of blurted out my frustration in the car on the way to dinner, and Kelli said she was sorry. I sensed that she felt a little guilty about our living situation, but I didn't press the issue because I really need her to be ready for us to live together again before she makes that choice. As we talked, ate dinner and returned home, things were good. Kelli indicated she was leaning toward asking me to move home, and did ask me to stay the night. I did, and it was nice -- nothing earth-shattering -- just normal and wonderful. I slept well and peacefully, with my beloved beside me.

Day 27... Encouragement is easy

2009-06-16T05:06:05Z

In Day 27 of The Love Dare, I'm asked to eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in my home, think of one specific area where I've been too hard on my spouse, and aplogize for it, promising that I'll seek to understand and love her unconditionally. Frankly, I believe I've been doing this particular dare nearly every day for some time. Regarding "the home," I'm just not the perfectionist in our marriage -- Kelli is. If anything, I typically try to get her to relax and take time for her instead of driving herself nuts trying to keep 4200 square feet immaculate while we both work and have four kids. I don't believe I nag her about anything that has to do with our day-to-day family life. I'm the laid back one, which is saying something, because I've been accused of being anal by some people. This is not to say that I haven't had expectations of Kelli which haven't been met, because I have. There was a time in our marriage, which by the way, sort of brought us to the point of our current separation, in which Kelli began behaving in ways which were abnormal for her and certainly constituted conduct unbecoming a wife and mother. We fought about these behaviors alot, and very intensely. Clearly I expected something different. I also expected a certain level of respect from my wife, that would have precluded such behavior. I made a large and very costly mistake with these issues. Rather than recognizing that this wasn't the Kelli I knew, that something must have been terribly wrong inside her, and looking for ways to help, I became combative and demanding instead. As it turns out, the reasons for her behavior were rooted in the resulting hurt that some of my actions had caused. There were things she couldn't reconcile with herself and forgive me for, and instead of dealing with those dark, twisted feelings head-on, she acted out in ways which were very destructive for our marriage. These are all things we've talked through at this point. They're all out in the daylight and we're doing what we can to repair the damage we've done. This brings me to some current expectations I'm wrestling with. I'm not living in our family home. Although we're physically estranged, we have over the past few weeks, spent alot of time together. It's been some of the best time we've ever spent together. We've treated each other well, enjoyed each other's company and communicated effectively about some things which are crucial for us to solve together. Even when we've had conflct, we've handled it much better and more lovingly than we ever have. We've talked about the future -- about us being married in it, like it's inevitable. We've both changed for the better in some really important ways, and we both know we love each other. We're definitely better equipped and more prepared to be a good husband and wife now than we ever have been. I know Kelli still has some fear of the future, along with some trust and forgiveness issues with me, but bottom line, I expect us to be married, with wedding rings, living under the same roof as a loving couple, for the rest of our lives. But today, that's an expectation Kelli can't meet. Is it frustrating? Yes. Is it torturous in certain moments? Absolutely. Am I ready to throw in the towel and go find a wife not so emotionally complex, who's easy to please and free of resentment for me? Absolutely not. If there's one thing The Love Dare has given me, although it's taken me two times through to get this, it is that regardless of how Kelli responds to my love, and no matter how long it takes her to take the leap of faith required for her to give herself comletely to our marriage once again, I must continue to love and honor her. Along with that, and maybe harder to grasp, is the knowledge and feeling in my heart that no matter how far from me Kelli seems, no matter what I'm getting back from her, I am loved by God and He will give me exactly what I need to live a peaceful and joyous life. At this point, I'll admit, it's not easy to be peaceful and joyous while I'm not living in my home with my wife, but if I stay focused on God's love and guidance instead of how rough my life is, I can do it. As a result, over the past week or so, I've been able to reassure Kelli on a couple of occasions that I'll be here, no matter what, for as long as it takes. She knows what I want and expect to have happen, because I've shared with her that I believe God's plan for me includes my being a faithful, loving husband to my wife. I don't think that's up for discussion. I believe in my promise to God regarding my marriage, and I will not forsake it. I just hope she also knows that my expectation of our reconciliation does not include a time limit or ultimatum. I've told her that, but I'm not sure she believes it. I'll just have to keep showing her, and being grateful for the painful but necessary lessons that come with life as it is today. God is good, and I am tired.

Day 26... Today, I am responsible

2009-06-15T04:57:12Z

In this, the 26th day of The Love Dare, I am instructed to pray through my areas of wrongdoing, ask God's forgiveness, then humble myself enough to admit them to my wife. As this is my second attempt at the dare, much of my wrongdoing has already been offered up to my wife for consideration of her forgiveness. However, as I had uncovered a couple of areas in prayer that we hadn't covered at any time, I opened the discussion again. As God would have it, after I racked my brain and searched my soul for ways I had wronged Kelli that we haven't discussed, discovered a couple and became humble and willing enough to admit them and ask Kelli's forgiveness, He and Kelli had other things in mind. We went to church this morning at a different Baptist church we hadn't been to before and took three of our four kids. It was really a great experience for all. The pastor's sermon was exactly what I needed to hear, and I think it hit home with Kelli too. The kids went to Sunday school and had a great time. After church, we went to breakfast, and that's when the day started going down hill. The kids were behaving typically imperfectly, and Kelli became agitated by their behavior in a very familiar way. This was particularly disappointing to her, because of the many things we've talked about doing differently, this type of situation was at the top of our list. We had both identified that our marital problems and resulting stress had made both of us pretty critical of our kids. This was one of the first opportunities to put our new resolve to work, and we just didn't do very well. I think it bothered Kelli all day, and over dinner, we talked about it, not particularly productively. After dinner, as we were driving to her parents' house, Kelli let fly with some very judgemental and harsh words about how I've handled some problems my oldest daughter has had over the past few years. I can't say that most of what she said isn't true, because it is. However, it was pretty hurtful to me, coming from my wife, because my lack of attention to my daughter's problems, at least to some degree, has been because our marriage has been so difficult over the past year or two, and Kelli certainly bears her share of the responsibility for that. I did, however, finally put my hurt feelings aside and accept the truth of what she had to say. I will take it to heart and do better in this area. Later in the evening, it was time for me to share my wrongdoing with my wife and ask her forgiveness. Before I could bring up an issue, Kelli had one ready. It wasn't a new one either. It was a situation with another woman that occurred after we had been married. She was an unstable customer who had been badly taken advantage of by the man she was having an extra-marital affair with. I had made the mistake of listening to her tale of sadness one day, and from then on, my understanding became very attractive to her. At one point she actually threw herself at me. I had agreed, at Kelli's request to inform her of any such situation so she would know everything about any and all odd situations I might encounter with other women, so as to avoid any misunderstanding. The fact is that I didn't trust her with this one, and a misunderstanding did happen, and it was a big one. Although nothing remotely adulterous ever happened with this woman, my lack of openness and the mischaracterization of one phrase in communication have caused our trust issues to explode into disaster. This incident is largely the reason our marriage is where it is today. It was a rather small and unnecessary lie of omission -- a double meaning I wouldn't acknowledge. That one small denial of truth has festered inside Kelli for over a year and a half, and it's my fault. I didn't see that one coming, but I'm glad it did. We also talked about my conduct when Kelli and I met and started our relationship. My part in that was inappropriate and hurtful to her because I allowed our attraction to bring us together while we were both still married to other people, and because after I had expressed my love and long-term intentions to Kelli, I then got scared and guilty and returned to my ex-wife for some time. Although that marriage was indeed doomed, I had hurt Kelli deeply. The last topic was the way I handled her behavior over the past year. As her resentment and shame began to transform her into someone she was not, and her behavior became destructive and hateful, I did not respond in a loving, supportive manner. I didn't take exception to her behavior out of concern for her heart. Instead, I responded with angry demands and ultimatums which drove her farther away. For me at that time, it wasn't about helping my wife; it was about making sure she knew how she was harming me by her behavior and demanding she stop. Clearly, I was no instrument of God's love in her life. After a pretty rough and long day, my wife expressed forgiveness for my wrongs. I didn't feel much relief at all. Instead I kind of re-lived the regret again, but did find some bit of gratitude in the fact that the man who committed the wrongs we discussed tonight doesn't exist anymore. I know that, and I think Kelli is starting to realize it too. I do know, however, that my actions are the only things that will cement that belief in my wife. She'll have to see the change in my eyes and hear it in my voice. I truly believe, at this point that my wife knows me better than I know myself. She knows when I'm being defensively dishonest and deceitful, sometimes when I don't even know it myself. I think it will take some time for Kelli to become confident in this new, more Godly version of her husband, but I also believe that her eyes are open and her heart is following. Hard day. Good day.

Day 25... Forgiveness, the Sunlight of the Spirit

2009-06-14T05:26:56Z

As I come to the end of Day 25 of The Love Dare, I do so with an unbelievable sense of completeness and satisfaction. I recognized this day as an important one in my first time through the dare, and even then I really did forgive my wife completely for all the wrongs she committed in our marriage, and some of them were pretty severe and quite hurtful. It's been more than two months since that day, and in that time, there has been new hurtful behavior, and more disclosure of past actions has occurred. There was a time in the not so distant past that every harsh word, every act of defiant recklessness and unfaithful behavior by my wife would send me into an emotional tailspin, frought with either deep anguish and despair or intense anger. I truly believe that had I not spent the last three months or so wrapped in The Love Dare and in God's Love, I would by now have taken action to end my marriage. I would have closed the curtain on Kelli and my relationship with her of over six years. Without even stopping to consider my part in our difficulties, I would have condemned her for her part, and made my exit from her life as painful for her as possible. One of the reasons I'm doing this dare for the second time is that about thirty days ago, I was beginning to do just that. But at what I believe was the last possible moment before irrepairable harm was done by my hateful words and actions, something happened. Clearly God stepped in and guided both our hearts toward the path of healing and reconciliation in one memorable late-night phone conversation that lasted until 2 am. I won't go into the words and deeds for which I've had to forgive my wife in this journal. Suffice it to say that they were of a nature and severity capable of hurting a husband as deeply as possible when coming from a wife he loves. It really doesn't matter what Kelli did or said. It really doesn't matter whether the offenses are annoying and petty or deeply hurtful. The necessity of forgiveness isn't dependent or contingent upon the severity of the wrong committed, and does not occur primarily for the benefit of the one being forgiven. Forgiveness is a necessary exercise for me, the resentful one, to be close to God and be capable of expressing His Love. If I hold grudges and harbor resentments, I am cut off from the sunlight of the spirit. I can feel no peace, and I will begin to live a life dark, angry and fearful. I simply cannot do that today. I have no choice but to forgive my wife for everything, look for my part in all wrongs and conflicts in our marriage, and having learned the lessons of that exercise, to love my wife more deeply than ever before. I know I've expressed forgiveness to Kelli before, perhaps many times. But tonight, as I was tucking her in, I did so again. I know she carries alot of guilt for the wrongs she committed and the person she became in our marriage, so I don't think I can remind her too many times that she is forgiven, and that nothing that happened in our past needs to ruin our future. I told her that no matter what she has done, or might ever do, I will always love her... always. Clearly, I alone am not capable of love so unconditional. If I am to live up to that promise, I must always keep God close to me and our marriage. And since that promise is the most important one I'll ever have to keep, I think I'll do just that.